Exactly one year and one night ago, I was laying in bed, just like I had been for the previous consecutive 73 hours, aside from the two beelines to the toilet and the pain and energy it took to roll over every few hours so that my body could be in a good enough position to allow oxygen to flow from my lungs to my nose, without being obstructed by the debilitating effects of gravity on fat. I remember laying there, thinking about how fat and horrible I was and that it had to change. Something clicked. I know people say that when they decide to make big changes about themselves. Kind of like that cliche of the cannibal who, one night, decided that after eating all these dudes suddenly had a hankering for steak. Or the suicidal man at the top of a bridge who suddenly decided to strap on a cord and become a professional bungee jumper.

Though I had tried diets and losing weight countless times before, with each one, I knew they would fail. I wasn’t really into them, and I just liked food and not doing anything way too much. This time, I knew I was going to do it from the beginning. I think you have to know you will succeed or you won’t. Either go all in, or don’t go in at all. Either devote an entire year to a strict diet, or let it all hang out. There really is no in-between. If you’re not devoted to it, just eat whatever you want all the time. I’m completely serious. There’s no point to a diet if you just feel guilty every once in a while and decide to have a random healthy meal. Just eat whatever the hell you want until something clicks and you become totally devoted to losing weight. If you’re doing both, kind of in-between, you’re going to have the worst of both worlds. You’re going to be fat and you’re going to sometimes eat horrible, healthy foods.

I guess I figured that once the weight disappeared, the women would come. I started listening to this cornfield and it’s told me some really interesting stuff. I don’t think it was telling me the truth, here, though. Don’t listen to corn and do not base all of your off-topic jokes on 23-year-old movies that nobody will have remembered. They have not yet arrived, but I will be waiting, with your favorite flowers.

Maybe tonight, something will again click and I will be just as devoted to amassing millions of dollars over the next year. Or I will decide that I have to suddenly become a world-famous concert pianist. Who knows, maybe a year and a day from now I’ll be writing a similar blog post in a blog for Jewish people seeking relationships with beautiful new pianos.

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