Online dating works so well, at least the online portion, because you’re talking to the best possible image of someone. You’re looking at the four or five best pictures of them ever. No matter what you look like, you know that you have a handful of really flattering photos, and you know exactly where they are on your computer. They are perfect for dating websites, Facebook profile pictures, proof of innocence during a pending trial, etc.

Two people chatting online via a dating website will almost always get along. Always. Almost.

What you don’t realize is that you’re not actually talking to a person. You’re talking to a horrifically glorified idea of a person. The relationship immediately starts its drastic decline the moment you meet the other person. You hear their voice, and it’s nothing like you expected. It’s raspy and weird and reminds you of your first cousin. They don’t pay attention to anything you say, and they have this weird thing where they spit at you.

Sight ruins everything. I don’t really mean this, because I don’t want to trivialize actual blindness. I am very fortunate to not be blind, and I do not wish that I was blind. I enjoy a lot of the things that I am fortunate enough to see: the Olympics, puppies, etc. However, physical aesthetics can easily be confused for meaningful qualities, and nobody is immune to this mistake. We are wired to place looks at such a high premium. ‘Luckily, my girlfriend is both beautiful and great’, said every boyfriend ever, including myself.

Mine actually is, but these two adjectives do not always coincide. I’ve met several incredibly great people in my life who will probably die alone. It’s not fair. On the same token, I never went out of my way to ask them on a date. On the same token again, I wasn’t good looking either, so maybe they’re the ones who didn’t ask me out on a date. Maybe we both thought that the other one was hideous and that we were gorgeous. Maybe she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and I have a horribly skewed perception of physical beauty. Maybe she was placed on earth to test humanity, and we are all going to hell. Maybe some great people are just created ugly because life is not fair and is awful and assholes are often the greatest-looking people on the planet.

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