If you’ve been single for years and are constantly lamenting that “all the good ones are taken,” or are always dating the same type of woman who consistently breaks your heart two months in to the relationship, there may be a simple solution for your dating dilemmas. According to Candace Silvers, a human behavior specialist in Los Angeles, the problem behind your rocky relationships may be YOU!
Silvers is one of the experts being featured on a new National Geographic Channel show about human behavior – and on the show, which premieres next year, she explains how our own behavior holds us back from achieving our greatest goals, aspirations and dreams (which even includes finding love). Silvers, who also happens to be the daughter of American icon Phil Silvers (Jewish actor and comedian known as “The King of Chutzpah”), explains how singles can look at their own courtship conducts in order to see where they hold themselves back, and how they can use what they learn to find love once and for all.
JMag: As a human behavior specialist, what is the most common behavior holding singles back from finding love, in your opinion?
Candace Silvers: The most common behavior holding singles back from finding love is being reactive to their own fear and expectation. First dates are wonderful because we go to have an experience. We risk by putting ourselves out there. We don’t expect anything because we don’t know anything about the experience we will have. We’re actively co-creating an experience with someone. If there is chemistry, the good feelings we get from it are a bi-product of this experience. Singles really miss the boat on the second date, when they set themselves up for disappointment by going to get something. Now, the equation has shifted. They go on the second date to get those same feelings again instead of to risk themselves by having an experience, like they did on the first date. When you go to get something (because you have an expectation), you aren’t going to give something. You cannot fall in love, without giving yourself.
JMag: How do you advise singles to go about changing their patterns/behaviors that hold them back?
Candace Silvers: There is no such thing as change. There is only a deeper understanding of how things are. The name of the game is to become aware of what your patterns and habits are. Become aware of your mind’s opinions. People only have opinions when their mind is up. Your mind is up because you fear something. The mind is habit-ed to keep you safe. Instead of saying “That man is a jerk.” Ask yourself, “What is it about that man that makes me so upset?” When you hold yourself accountable for your feelings and perception, you begin to get the thrill of understanding more about the way you operate and why. When you enter an experience to work yourself out, every experience becomes a gift. That man that was “such a jerk” may be the man that teaches you that you don’t always need to get the things you think you do in order to be happy. He may be the man that opens up your world.
JMag: What is one easy step singles can take in the next few weeks, before the end of 2012, to open themselves up to the possibility of love?
Candace Silvers: A great practice to open yourself up to the possibility of love is to lean in. What I mean by that is: lean into your fear. Do the things you always opt out of. You’re at home on the couch and your friends invite you out to a party. Instead of doing what you’ve always done (with or without your bowl of ice cream)… lean into a new way of being, no matter how uncomfortable it is to you at first. Your ego/mind was designed to keep you safe in what you already know. Stop listening to it as though it’s real. Don’t listen to the record player in your head repeating, “I’m not worth it,” or “They won’t like me,” or “I have nothing to wear.” If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always had. Rise up and do something new!
JMag: What is your most important tip for singles looking for love?
Candace Silvers: The ability to be non-personal in a personal world is key. When you go on dates, recognize that nothing is happening to you. Only those who have been hurt, hurt other people. It’s nothing personal. The ability to understand that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have is huge.
JMag: What would be the first piece of advice you give to someone who has just entered a new relationship?
Candace Silvers: I always tell my students to think of a relationship as two people, each in their own ship, tied together on the open sea. Everyone looks good when the relationship begins, right? You can relate well to each other when the water is calm, the sun is out, and everyone is in cute bathing suits. Can you relate to each other when there is a storm? Can you relate to each other when there’s no more food? Can you relate to each other when the stress of living life on life’s terms begins to wear on your mind? In the riding of the waves, we have our life. Are you able to in-joy it or do you blame the other ship as your emotions go up and down with the waves?
Candace Silvers has dedicated her life to coaching and inspires her students to live beyond their limitations. Ms. Silvers has thousands of students around the world practicing life skills that make fulfillment available on a daily basis. You can check out her classes here or watch her online videos here.
Thank you for this perspective. The things you said apply to me in a scary way. I’ve been in and out of relationships for years with some good men that I let go, sometimes for stupid reasons. I always have expectations. So I’m going to work on that. But I also loved this comment: If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always had. And of course, I’ve gotten nothing….. except a good time in the beginning.
Hello Pat! To risk is to find out who you are beyond the mind. To take a step outside of what you already know feels like death… and it is to a certain extent. It’s the death of only doing what you know. The mind feels the fear every time it’s incapable of protecting you from what it thinks you will lose, only to realize (real – eyes) that there is so much more to this world around us. Burn through it. Practice something new. Burn through the thoughts. Everything that doesn’t belong to you disintegrates in the burn. What’s left is alchemy. What’s left actually belongs to you.
This may or may not have to do with this interview – but I was talking to some friends about this article and we got on the subject of intuition. Is there a difference between intuition and instict?
Chere Candace Silvers
You must look like your mother, When I was young Sgt Bilko, was the favourite show of our family ! (Tuesday night)
You are very interesting and very Gorgeous too. If you want to chat, you can call me any time.
PS : My late mother’s name was Kanda, aka Clara aka Kandy
Thank you for the excellent advice.
I was just thinking that when you ask a young person to tell you what comes into their mind when they hear the word “Doberman”, it is not the same as my generation.
I would answer Papparelli, Henshaw, Look alive, on the double, Hey hup!
I remember so many of the shows, when Sgt Bilko came up with a scheme.
My favorite moment would be when someone handed him a wad of money and told him that it was $210. He would flip through it and said “It’s $220. There were two tens stuck together”.
The best part of your father’s performance was that he always enjoyed
performing. The smile never left his face! And it never left mine!
All the best to you,