Houston vs. The World

I realize the inherent difficulty in arguing the validity of Houston as the best dating city in the world. First, there’s the common conceptions about Houston based on media/word of mouth/actual true facts about the city. If you’re not from Houston, the first things that come to mind when someone mentions the city may include the words: ‘fat,’ ‘polluted,’ ‘hot,’ ‘crime-ridden,’ or ‘culturally devoid.’ If you’re from Houston, the first things that may come to mind include: ‘fat,’ ‘polluted,’ ‘hot,’ ‘crime-ridden,’ or ‘culturally devoid.’ However, a lot of these short descriptions are not always negatives. For example, there’s a reason we’re so fat. We have some darn good restaurants. We took the phrase, ‘Everything’s Bigger in Texas,’ literally. We don’t mess with phrases.

I’m not arguing that Houston is the best city. I’m arguing that Houston is the best city to get a girl to like you. I am the best example of this. I finally got a girl to like me for a prolonged period of time, and if it’s not because of me, then it’s definitely the city.

Houston really helps the awkward single male. First, you have to drive everywhere. This allows for more personal interactions with your date, and allows you to avoid the demographic that typically uses public transportation, which could really negate the shower you just took and the cologne you just applied.

Second, we’re actually not at all culturally devoid. Forbes magazine recently rated Houston #1 on their list of America’s Coolest Cities. We really do have world-class cultural entertainment options. My theater-loving cousin claims that outside of New York City and LA, Houston is the best city for live theater. Also, it’s much, much cheaper, and it’s typically a lot easier to find a parking spot.

Third, we’re not Dallas. I know that means nothing to about 86% of the people that will end up reading this. Nevertheless, you must all know this. If Dallas represents the worst in Texas, Houston really does represent the best. I think a lot of the negative stereotypes about Texas come from Dallas. Avoid Dallas. Do not ask me why.

Fourth, the weather. Yes, it can get miserably hot here. I’ve literally been unable to speak while standing outside during the summer. I would open my mouth, and all that would come out would be drool and spit, and then I would faint, and then wake up the next day dehydrated and confused. On the other hand, when not summertime, it really is quite nice. In Houston, you’ll never have to worry about extreme cold, or even cold. This opens up a lot more opportunities for outdoor activities you really wouldn’t have in most other cities throughout the year.

The best date I ever had incorporated all four of these qualities. We drove to a comedy show. The parking lot was enormous because, in Houston, everyone drives, and 40% of all land within the city limits is a parking lot. The comedian was famous, but cheap, because it’s Houston. We then walked from the comedy club to the restaurant because it was really nice outside. The restaurant was great because 1) I’m not going to take a girl I like to a horrible restaurant and 2) Houston restaurants are typically really good. After dinner, we found a bench outside and just sat there for an hour. It was nighttime by then, and there was a nice breeze, and it was perfect. Finally, it was not Dallas.

I realize the momentous task of convincing you Houston is better than, say, New York City or Chicago. Still, if your objective is simply to have a good time with a member of the opposite sex without paying too much money, being miserable, or being in Dallas, I truly believe Houston is the best city to accomplish this goal! If I lived in any other city, I know I would still be alone, however with slightly less sweat and with somewhat cleaner lungs.

Jeremy Balkin is not at all a dating expert. He’s just been on enough horrible dates to chronicle it in journal-form for the world to see how frustrating some people’s lives are. You can read more from Jeremy on JBlog.
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