Dear Rabbi Singer,
I need some advice. I am not getting any interest from men using online dating. I am considering lying about my age to see if that helps… I know honesty is the best policy, but I also want a date!
-Does age matter?
Dear Does Age Matter,
What kind of a rabbi would I be if I gave you permission to lie?
Age does matter to some men and not to others. Same is true of weight, height, and hair color. You can’t control what matters to another person and they can’t control what matters to you. All you can do is be yourself and try to find a man whom likes you for who you really are. The right man for you will be happy with your age.
I understand that the reality of today’s dating scene is that most men are looking for younger women and regardless of how young you might look, when they do an online search based on certain age criteria, you might not show up in the results. I also know that there are plenty of men and women who lie about their age to get themselves included in “younger” searches. While they might end up tricking someone into a first date, they rarely move on from there after getting caught in their lie. Even if they do, a relationship based on an initial lie doesn’t have much hope of success.
If you’re asking me whether you should lie about your age, my answer is no. You don’t want to start a relationship based on a lie. Maybe the reason you’re not getting any dates online has nothing to do with your age? Review your profile photos and essays to make sure they bring out the best in you. You can also download my free e-book on jcoach.com to get some tips on creating a winning online profile.
Be proud of whom you are. The right man will be too.
I’ve lied about my age before… But not for dating. I want a romantic, intimate relationship to be based on trust and integrity. When I do lie, it is to get age-related discounts and other perks from people who do not personally care about me and vice-versa.
I had a fling this year with a lovely, adorable young man. I fell madly in love with him, only to learn after the third time we were intimate, that he lied about being Jewish, right down to his name. And I didn’t learn it from him; he has no idea I know. He is truly Muslim. I was really upset as I do try and keep to Jews, no matter how secular. I still love him and want a relationship with him, but the fact that he deceived me into falling in love with him in the first place (had I known beforehand, I would not have been with him), did upset me. I forgive him, but I do think he made a grave mistake.
Men lie about their age height and women lie about their age. I understand a rabbi can’t tell you to lie. If you met someone at a party would they ask your age? If a couple of years changes your age category it doesn’t mean you lie about anything else. It just means more men will see your profile. If the man enjoys being with you he is not going to stop seeing you because you lied about your age. If that’s the only reason he doesn’s want to see you again, he’s a very rigid person. By the way, men do it too.
He lied about his name and religion, you are
lying to him for not saying that you know
about his lie.
You might have a low self-esteem to allow
yourself to forgive him.
Are you forgiving yourself to lie to him as well?
I do not think that the foundation of your couple
is strong enough to survive.
Be strong and look for help to understand
why you want desperately to stay in that
Wow Corinne, condescending doesn’t even begin to describe your comment. I do not lie, I withhold irrelevance. Lying is when you deliberately express falsehoods.
Low self-esteem for forgiving him? On the contrary, I am the bigger person here with both feet well-earthed to be able to see the incident within proportion.
I am clearly not the one in need of strength or help.
I AM 80 YEARS OF AGE. I LOOK ABOUT 74 BUT I THINK 35. (I RECEIVE MORE RESPONSES FROM YOUNGER MEN THAN OLDER.) (I ALSO TELL THE TRUTH)…I AM A RIGHT BRAINED LADY IN A LEFT BRAINED WORLD, I PROMISE YOU WILL NEVER BE BORED!I AM A TRUE ENIGMA.WHILE I’M RETIRED NOW I HAVE HAD MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF EMPLOYMENT INCLUDING WORKING IN THE BUNKO SQUAD OF SUFFOLK POLICE.
I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE NICEST, HONEST, DOWN TO EARTH MEN RESPONDING. DO I SCARE SOME? YES! DO MALCONTENTS ANSWER? NO! I HAPPEN TO LIKE ME AND I GUESS IT SHOWS. I HAVE NO INTEREST IN MONEY, TITLES, CARETAKERS,HAIR, BUT I DO DEMAND NO SMOKING,NO SEPARATED SOULS,NO TUNNEL VISION,ABLE TO THINK, COMMUNICATE, LOVES AND RESPECTS PEOPLE,ANIMALS, LOVES READING AND EVEN MAYBE ME.
BE HONEST,DIRECT AND CARING AND YOU WILL ATTRACT HONEST DIRECT,CARING MEN.
I am 42 and even though I still get carded at clubs (and recently at the racetrack – you have to be 18 to bet and I was carded!)…. I have been “aged out” of search criteria on dating sites for most men because they prefer to date a woman much younger than themselves. Many men around my age have 37, and as young as 29, as the top of their age ranges. I’m often emailed by men in their late 50s to mid-60s (who look older in their pictures). I truly don’t understand how many of these men can date women young enough to be their daughter, or think I would date someone old enough to be my father.
I have been tempted to lie about my age as an experiment… If I said I was 29 would more men in their 40s approach me?
But even as an experiment, I just can’t. I cannot have a relationship start with a lie. And I won’t go out with a man a second time if I find out he lied about his age just so he can meet younger women. Relationships that start with lies can only get worse. (And luckily I found other dating sites with men around my age who want to date women around their age!)
I am very aware of the importance of age as well as physical attributes in our society today, however, in spite of this, it is required that you aspire to these requisites in order to attrive what you want in a lover, partner etc. Sadly that is what it is today so if you don’t conform you don’t win. It helps if you include a physical picture of yourself as that reveals a thousand words. Physical attraction is very important to people.
Now, I am going to tell you why I haven’t joined J Date although I get emails almost every day with “possible matches”. I am 69 years old (70 in October). Some of these guys look great except for one thing. No matter what “age” they all want someone much younger than they are. They can be 5 years younger or 5 years older than me, but everyone of them wants someone at least 10 or more years younger than they are. Of course they say “I do not look or act my age”. Well, what about the women like me who “don’t look or act my age”.
Truthfully, I understand the lure of a younger woman. But some of these guys need to take a better look in the mirror and become a little more realistic. But then again, maybe they are getting what they are asking for. I don’t know…..I think I’ll just keep trying to meet people the old fashioned way.
So in answer to your question about lying about your age…..no I would never do that but I can see why some women would just to have a shot at meeting some of these Greek gods who are so fantastic!
This is my second round on JDate. I began the first when I was just widowed and 66 years of age. The hits never stopped. Now that I have reached 70, I find that all the prospects in their 60’s – 70’s want significantly younger women in spite of their viitality and physical appearance. This is definitely a dilema, as I am told that I do not look or act my age. Men seem to feel that they are ageless and immortal. I am hardpressed to advise men that they more often than not, age must more rapidly.
Do what makes you feel good. There are no rules. If the person who you meet is only concerned with age, then they would be boring and you will see those qualities in his/her persona. Anyway, if its an unbalanced relationship, G-d will provide the answers and the resolution.
I not only don’t lie about my age, I volunteer the information. If you look good and feel good, why not ignore how old you really are?. Chronological age is merely an explanation for why I know as much as I do; it’s proof of how long I’ve lived on the planet. I’ll turn 65 next month and don’t apologize for it. I’m one of those 64 year old women not interested in a man my age. I prefer the company of men ten years younger.
I have lied in the past which was easy to get away with because I look at least 10 years younger than my chronological age, if not more. However the date that I had based on the lie was very awkward for me since every time I recounted something that had happened to me in the past, I had to think about what age I had to be for that to have happened at that time. Decided after that experience to always tell the truth. However it does still bother me that so many men need to have the woman younger than themselves. I can understand if a man still wishes to have children but when a man who is 64 years old can’t contemplate dating a woman who is three years older than himself (as I am) it seems totally absurd to me – after all, what exactly is the difference between someone who is 63 and someone who is 67 – the answer is NONE!!
And I did recently hear a story about a woman from an acquaintance of mine who decided to lie about her age and on the first date told the guy the truth – he accepted her anyway and they are now happily married! So it can work.
It is also true that if you meet someone at a party the issue of age does not come up right away because you are being evaluated on your whole “package” – personality, looks, interests and not chronological age. That I think is the problem with dating web sites – the first filter is age and so many men have simply not re-evaluated from the mindset of high school/college when the tendency was to date someone either the same age or one/two years younger.
Sheina – would love to know what other web sites you have found where age is not such an issue? And Anna, I do not think Corinne was being condescending but rather just helpful.
Would be most interested to hear responses from men as so far only women have responded to this question! Thanks for reading.
Absolutely not! I will be 70 in November and am very proud of my age. If others don’t like it, well…
I am the same age as you and I have the exact same problem. I came across a 36 year old guy I once dated, who is now on Jdate saying he is 31 and he only wants to date women 21-34. LOL! Anyhow, I get the worst feeling when i think about lying about my age so I mostly get older guys contacting me too.
Anyhow, SHEINA, would you be kind enough to share with me what dating site you found where guys want to date someone their own age?
It is possible that this man could be your soulmate, that would be up to you to decide. However, i would ask him to tell you why he deceived you so you could understand better what is going on with him. This is empathy. I would also ask him if he is willing to convert to Judaism. He may have been born into another religion but he may have an inner desire to be Jewish instead. Also I would try to find out if he is interested in marriage and raising a Jewish family.
FYI, I met a Jewish girl in NY who had formerly been Christian and converted. I also knew a blond American guy of Skandinavian descent who converted to Muslim.
I know and understand why he would lie. Being born a Muslim Arab (or any kind of non-Jewish Arab – or even being Jewish and looking Arab!) isn’t easy in Israel. I love my country, I am a Zionist, but I cannot pretend not to see the bigotry and bias against Arabs. I can understand it since it’s Arabs who bomb us, but many good Arabs suffer as a consequence.
Being sexually involved with a Muslim may lead to honor killings even here in this otherwise civilized country. The bias Jews have against Arabs is endless; I have yet to see a dark to black person with no university background in a job better than security or police. Arabs, especially Muslims, face lots of rejection – on the job market, in real estate, but also in interpersonal relationships. Most of my Jewish friends, even the leftist ones, gasp in disbelief when I tell them my father knows I slept with a Muslim and laughs about it. “Mine would cleave my head off!” is a frequent response.
This wonderful young man almost died defending Israel. He knows all the Jewish blessings and prayers, and observes our holidays. He hates Islam more than anything. He works himself to death to support his family and he is sweet and caring and his Facebook friendlist is largely populated by homosexuals. He tries so hard, yet still doesn’t belong, he said so often and it really gets him down. Adopting a fake Jewish identity brings him closer to being part of this society. And yes, he is willing to convert for the right woman; he offered it to his previous partner who however, didn’t really want to take their relationship to such a serious level.
I know how important belonging can be. I’m born in Israel but grew up abroad where I had many psychological problems, all starting with my not feeling like a part of anything and hence, not finding who I was. You’re floating through the world in a bubble you don’t want to be in. Everything is “You and them”, not “You among them”. But he has no native country to simply return and belong to. He’s already in it, yet still doesn’t belong. In his Arab village – Druze, Bedouins, Muslims – people beat him up for acting like neither of the 3.
So I think that while yes, he lies to deceive others into accepting him, he also uses this “pretend play” to be as close as possibly to what he truly wants. Been there, done that. Not to this extent which is actually a crime in Israel (“rape by deception”) but I know where he’s coming from. He’s miserable.
Are there any other countries you and/or he could live in and feel more accepted? I think the US is more strict now about immigration but what about Canada or Australia or New Zealand? I think i’ve heard of people who wanted to immigrate moving there.
Well Elaina, nothing and nobody could get me to leave Israel. He is free to convert. However, since he’s currently trying to crawl back to his ex, this is no longer my problem.