If just one other person in the world can identify with me on this very specific problem, I would feel a lot better about most aspects of my life. When I get an email titled ‘One of these JDaters® is your Secret Admirer!’, I immediately shift into desperation mode. I have to know who my secret admirer is, at all costs. If you don’t know how this process works, every once in a while, JDate will send you an email with like five JDate profiles attached to it. You are told that one of these five people has a crush on you. In order to know who it is, you have to say that you have a crush on the same one that likes you. Of course, most people would probably go ahead and pick the one or two women on this list they are interested in. I blitz the email by ‘secret admiring’ (not at all a verb) all five women listed, regardless of whether I like them or not. I have to find out who likes me. Somebody likes me? I must know who. Now.

I then sit and wait for the email telling me which woman it is that likes me. I stop whatever I was previously doing (crying, not returning phone calls) and sit perfectly still facing the wall. I turn off the television and stare at my smart phone, praying that I don’t momentarily lose Wi-Fi just in case that is the exact moment I find out what women is in love with me. Damn you modern technology. Do not deny me true love. Once I do get the email, it is always the woman whom I am the least interested in. Well that is a disappointment that I was completely prepared and ready for. Now I can go to bed, safe in the knowledge that I will die alone.