There are many terrible, life-altering decisions that you can make while drunk. You can get pregnant (usually this one is only possible if you are a woman). You can contract a disease. You can drive and get in a car accident. You can drunk-text your ex-girlfriend, thus setting into motion a two-month-long series of increasingly awkward ‘apology texts,’ where each one just makes things so much worse until she files another restraining order, and you forget about this until a month later while eating at a restaurant a mile from her house with your family, and then you get arrested by the undercover police officer posing as your brother.

However, the worst possible thing you can do while drunk is eat. You really don’t realize what and how much you eat while you’re drunk. Last Saturday morning I woke up feeling horrible. I checked my transaction history and noticed that I spent $50 at Wendy’s. I had no idea that they even allowed you to spend more than $10 at a time. Another good indicator of my ill-advised actions was the trail of French fries leading to my toilet.

I would have rather contracted gonorrhea than have had to deal with another fast food hangover. The best part of my weekend is usually the fact that I’m off my diet and can eat whatever I want. With a fast food hangover, I’m usually not hungry for the rest of the weekend. So then, if I still want to enjoy food, I have to force down bacon avocado hamburgers into my body which is already trying its best to purge everything inside of it.

I have an upcoming date this Sunday. I have to make sure I don’t drunk-eat too much this Friday and Saturday night. I not only want to be able to enjoy the date, but I also don’t want  to smell of hamburgers so much that I have to overcompensate by using an entire can of cologne and then end up smelling like Dave Thomas must have smelt while preparing for a social occasion.