When living in Los Scandalous, one expects to receive invitations to fabulous events on a regular and somewhat tiring basis: Club openings, restaurant debuts, ex-boyfriend’s house warming with his new love? Sure, we’ll go with it. Recently, I found myself in such a predicament. So, for your convenience, here are some guidelines to polite protocol for just such a situation. Starting with the most basic, be nice to the new Mrs. Ex. I know you’re secretly hoping she accidentally chokes on some of the crudités she made for the occasion, but the polite thing to do, (should your wishes come true) would be to administer the Heimlich. I know strenuous activity wasn’t on your agenda, but you can’t get enough cardio, right? Furthermore, invisibility, contrary to popular belief, is not a super power of the new girlfriend – so acknowledge her! Compliment her on her new interior decorating career! Tell her it does look like Martha Stewart exploded in her home! Simply put, killing her with kindness is a less messy murder strategy (and blood doesn’t go with your outfit!).

Finally, after following the aforementioned Ex-etiquette, the final suggestion I have is to ignore her twiglet status and eat in front of the Ex and the new GF. Sure, she may be so thin that she disappears when turning sideways – but don’t let that optical illusion deter you from the dip! Guys love a girl that eats – so you’re being completely irritating to her with your calorie consumption – as well as reminding the Ex why it was super fun to date the former fling! Also, think of this as a nouveau networking opportunity! Hot guys travel in packs – so see what other options you have at the scandalous soiree! And with this So Cal heat wave, 31 Flavors has never sounded so good.