Sorry guys, but its true: girls pass gas, burp and use the bathroom just like every other human being. I know there’s a rumor going around that we women are immune to those natural occurrences, but it ain’t so. We may be able to hide those bodily functions better than you, but we still do them. And the longer you hang out with us, the harder it gets to hide.

Being in a relationship means spending a lot of time with another person: days, weekends and hopefully, eventually, forever. That much time together means there’s going to be ample opportunity for your natural bodily functions to rear their ugly heads in both noisy and smelly ways. And there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. You drink some soda, you’re forced to burp. You eat beans, you’re forced to fart. You eat too much too fast, you’re forced to belch. Holding back any of these gases will only make you uncomfortable and bloated. Letting these gases out will only make you feel uncomfortable and bewildered.

There are some tried and true techniques to do what you gotta do without it being heard, seen or sniffed. It means you have to use your time and opportunities wisely. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom and turn on both the fan and the faucet to stifle any sounds. Use the public restrooms at the movie theatre, in a hotel or at a restaurant instead of the one in the apartment which doesn’t have any ventilation and has a toilet that tends to clog. Excuse yourself to go outside to make a “phone call” and pass wind in the wind. You can also carry around a few helpful items in your overnight bag: antacids, Gas-X, deodorant, mouthwash and face wipes always come in handy.

It’s when you feel comfortable doing those things in front of your new guy or gal that you know you’re in a strong relationship. Unfortunately it takes an awkward conversation once somebody drops the (stink)bomb but usually this will force your relationship to the next level and will only lead to further exposure of all your disgusting habits.

If you don’t think your new boy- or girlfriend is ready to handle you in all your natural glory, then maybe you should hold off for now on introducing him or her to all the different “noises” you’re capable of. It’s when your significant other thinks your farts and burps are cute that you may have found yourself a keeper. Just don’t overdo it – nobody likes to be smoked out of their own bed because their lactose intolerant lover decided to eat pizza and ice cream even though they didn’t have their Lactaid® pill with them.