Bari Lyman, author of the new book Meet to Marry, has seen her share of rocky relationships, daunting dates and mystifying men. From the man who turned out to be gay to the guy with a drug addiction, it’s easy to see why Lyman used to describe herself as “relationship-challenged.” But at 35, she had an epiphany. Lyman realized it wasn’t the men who were the problem, it was her.
At that point, the former JDater® embarked on an intense personal journey, examining herself and transforming the areas in her life where she had a relationship “blind spot.” After much self reflection and transformation, Lyman went on to meet her beshert on JDate. Now married, she says marriage-minded singles can have a lifetime love like hers simply by following three easy (or at least easier than you think) steps.
Step One: Assess
Before meeting her beshert on JDate, Lyman says she needed to assess her own marriage readiness. This first step in the Meet to Marry plan requires you to take a good look at yourself, peeking into those areas you don’t necessarily want to check out. Ask yourself if you’re holding on to old loves, any emotional pain or childhood wounds. If so, Lyman says you need to work these issues out before you can be ready to open yourself up to new love. “You must be the one to attract the one,” says Lyman.
Once you are clear on old emotional issues and confident in yourself, you are then ready to ask yourself, “Am I ready for marriage?” If that answer is yes, she says you are ready for step two.
Step Two: Attract
In this step, Lyman prepares her readers to find their ideal spouse by asking them to articulate the kind of person they would like to marry. She encourages you to go beyond the basics like looks and job; instead describe how your ideal mate lives their life, what their most important values are and what goals they may have for themselves in their own life. Lyman calls this a “marriage vision.”
“By creating a ‘marriage vision,’ singles become clear on how to choose a spouse based on shared values and life goals,” says Lyman. She says singles are not ready to date until they learn the “real steps to find their right match based on a time-tested principle: ‘who’ the person is, not what they ‘do.’”
Step Three: Act
In the final step, Lyman asks her readers to “stay in the present and actively date with marriage in mind.” When completing this step for herself, Lyman says she gave herself a “dating action plan.” Her plan included searching through profile after profile on JDate, making time for phone calls with potential dates and clearing her schedule for coffee dates. She took action, treating her quest for love as serious business.
“I was feeling more and more positive because the people were great, just not for me.”And finally, after more than 80 coffee dates, Lyman met her future husband. She advises that in this step of the process you should not be looking for second dates, but rather, the right person for you.
“The key to finding lifetime love lies in being ‘the one’ yourself,” says Lyman. She encourages anyone who is looking for love to stay positive. And if she can stay positive after 80 coffee dates, so can you!
A very succinct advise..but as a therapist and a single (widowed woman)I find that some people need help in “finding themselves” due to past traumas and deep seated issues and personalities disorders..are you looking for love and dating coaches? I will be interested in doing so..I have a private practice in Portland oregon called “Wisdom of the Heart” where I counsel people in relationships,dating and finding themselves and love..
Malka Osserman, MSW/chaplain