I don’t know if anybody else on earth can identify with this, so I won’t preface it with “Don’t you hate it when…”

Don’t you hate it when you’re bored at home on your computer and not thirty minutes into chatting with someone you have never met and she invites you over? You know you should not go. First, you have a job interview the next morning.  Second, you’ve never met this person and not only could she not look anything like her profile pictures, but she could really look nothing like her profile pictures. Third, you have been drinking and definitely should not drive. However, you go anyway.

You have trouble finding a place to park at her condo, as all of the visitor spots are taken. You somehow get into the parking garage and find a space. You get out and immediately get lost in the garage. You finally find an elevator and get in. The doors close and the elevator doesn’t move. You hit all of the floor buttons but it still doesn’t move. After about forty five minutes of being stuck in the air-conditionless elevator, you start to contemplate having to meet this women covered in sweat.

You begin to go through the seven stages of nervousness. First is shock and denial. Second is pain and guilt. You blame yourself, and rightly so, for driving to a strangers house in the middle of the night. Third is anger and bargaining. You tell G-d that if he lets you out, you will always use your turn signal. Fourth comes depression. Fifth is the upward turn. You start thinking about all of the good things in your life that do not involve elevators. Sixth is reconstruction. Finally comes acceptance. Just as you are beginning to accept the fact that you are going to die in an elevator, the doors open and your date sees you.

This is, of course, all theoretical, and all of these events never actually happened to me last night.