I don’t know if it’s because I’m Jewish, or because I’m a horrible person, but I have a lot of guilt. Most of my guilt comes from the way I feel towards my family. All of those times during my teenage years of never calling my parents and never answering the phone are slowly creeping back to me. I feel guilty that I wasted so much of their money in college. I feel guilty that I’m still not married. I feel guilty that whenever I call them, it’s usually because I need something, and when I call them just to say ‘hi’, it always seems somewhat forced. I feel guilty about that dream I had two nights ago when I forgot to pay them back for the spaceship they lent me money for, so that I could stop global warming and so that the cold-blooded mermaid aliens could visit in order to cure cancer.

My guilt isn’t concentrated only on family, though family is the source. It permeates every aspect of my life. I feel guilty whenever I don’t use a turn signal to change lanes, even though I am the worst, angriest driver of all time. On the rare occasion that I do neglect my turn signal while changing lanes, I have to wave frantically to the car behind me until they see and acknowledge me. If they don’t, I have to change lanes again, drive beside them, honk my horn, turn my head toward them, smile, and give them a ‘thumbs up’. This usually does not produce the positive reaction I hope for. However, at least I can take comfort in the knowledge that not using my turn signal was not the worst mistake I made in this series of events.

At Subway®, I have to make conversation with the Sandwich Artist who I see literally every day, or else I feel like a terrible person. This is despite the fact that this poor woman is so tired of seeing me, and just wants to make my sandwich as quickly as possible so that I can leave. Once I leave and forget to use a turn signal, I have to go through the whole process of making the car recognize that I didn’t mean to make that mistake. Then I have to go back to Subway® because I forgot my drink. It’s a vicious cycle.

Finally, guilt has spread to my personal life. I am always super early to everything because I feel like I’m letting somebody down when I’m late, even though there’s probably always someone counting on me to not show up at all. I am super obsessive about my hygiene. I don’t want anyone to have a bad time whenever they hang out with me because all they can smell is rotting fish, Subway® sandwiches, and smoking brake pads from all of the times I have to brake hard in order to let another driver know that I’m sorry for not using my turn signal.

On dates, my guilt is in full effect. I feel guilty for wasting this poor woman’s Saturday night. I feel guilty that I didn’t stand up when she left the table to use the restroom. I feel guilty that my hairline is receding. I feel guilty that in case this relationship eventually goes anywhere, I have still yet to get my body waxed.