Though the notions of happiness and sex can happily coexist, they are mutually exclusive for me. I don’t actually know the precise definition of ‘mutually exclusive’, but I use it all the time nevertheless because it makes me sound smarter than I really am. I was trying to say that I can only have ‘happiness’ or ‘sex’ independently. Of course, in this case, they are not mutually exclusive because that would imply that if I had both, then they would cancel each other out, and that just makes no sense.

When I was young, I was happy. The world was new and it opened up so many fresh possibilities. I don’t remember this but I’m sure that my first taste of pizza was fantastic. I started making friends and they were equally fantastic. I had a great family. I would play catch with my dad and my mom would read me stories. A basketball court was poured right in my backyard and my brother and my neighbors would play on it every day. I had a pet dog all to myself, and then to my brother and myself, and then to my brother, my sister, and myself.

When I first discovered sex, though, the happiness started to slowly fade away. It opened up a whole new world of pain, suffering, and inadequacy that would last at least until age 18, when I would discover alcohol. Of course, alcohol would ultimately open even more horrible doors that I do not want to get into right now. My entire teenage life consisted of trying to impress girls. Everything I wore, listened to, watched, read, said, drank, typed, and ate were all carefully selected in order to make an impression on these people. I no longer enjoyed activities I used to love. For example, while I used to love to play basketball with my brother, I now had to compete to make a team. The team was just a segue to impress girls. Of course, I didn’t make the team, and thus lost the desire to ever play anywhere. I started eating healthier foods so I wouldn’t look like a fat ass. This, of course, affected my mood as well. I was hungry and sad and still could not impress girls.

Finally, when young adulthood came, I was able to meet girls with the help of modern technology and the wisdom that comes with age. I used, for example, sites like JDate to match people for me. Though I was happier that I could meet women, I was not completely happy. I still obsessed myself with trying to win their favor by, for example, showering more than once a month and getting rid of my ridiculous moustache. I think that the only way for me to be truly happy would be if I could stop obsessing over aesthetics, and sit back with my moustache and eat whatever the hell I wanted.

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