We all want romantic fulfillment, so we turn to JDate, post our profiles, and upload our best photos. But is that enough? Do we then receive romantic fulfillment? Maybe, if we’re lucky. But for many of us, maybe not. The proof? Not all of us are attracting what we might consider our “perfect match.” Why? Because our profiles are not irresistible. Obviously, there’s a lot of competition and if we’re going to stand out, our profiles must stand out, too. They must offer something different, something special. Something “date-alicious.” But how? I thought you’d never ask. Sit back and check out these ways for both men and women to guarantee their dating profile is irresistible.

 

1. TESTIMONIALS

For Women

Testimonials done properly indicate that others have found you of value and give you their recommendation. It’s like being on an Angie’s List of dating profiles. Imagine how many more responses you’d get if your potential soul mate saw these on your profile:

• “Janet put a smile on my face, a song in my heart, and the curl in my toes!”
• “Janet helped me become a more mature man—even my mommy couldn’t do that!”
• “I’d still be with Janet today if my parole officer hadn’t ratted me out!”
• “I can’t stop thinking about Janet—and it’s been three years since I married Cheryl.”
• “Janet ended our relationship and she was right—she deserves somebody really special.”

For Men

Women tend to trust other women’s opinions about men, so imagine how your credibility factor would zoom to the top if you had testimonials along these lines:

• “Jim Bob always said ‘excuse me’ after he made any rude body sounds.’”
• “Of all the men who insisted on playing The Cheerleader and The Lumberjack with me, Jim Bob was the gentlest.”
• “Jim Bob didn’t just buy me the Deluxe Swifter for Valentine’s Day, he also took the trouble to wrap it up real pretty.
• “Jim Bob is so creative—he used his GPS system to locate my G-Spot.”
• “He tattooed my name on his butt—that shows you how much Jim Bob cares.”

 

 

2. PHOTOS

For Women

Women are generally pretty good with their online dating photos, but here are some gentle suggestions that may up your irresistibility factor.

• While photos of you taken 10-15 years ago are still technically you, they’re not ethically you, if you catch my drift.
• With regard to you and your pets, kindly keep in mind the suggested eight-cat limit.
• While a photo of you shoving large pins into an ex-boyfriend voodoo doll is creative, it also may be perceived as a tad off-putting.
• If you’re older than sixteen, keep any stuffed animals out of the shot.
• Wearing designer clothing, shoes, sunglasses and/or a shirt with gold dollar sign emblems may work against your profile statements of being “low-maintenance” and “down-to-earth.”

For Men

You may have noticed that some men have not quite captured the proper etiquette of the online dating photo experience. In general, guys, it would behoove us to exercise some basic common sense. Which, in a nutshell, means avoiding any of the following:

• Nudity. The only nudity in your photos should be of your pets, and even then, a tasteful thong may be in order.
• Photos of yourself standing next to your cool car, someone else’s cool car, a cool car in a showroom, or especially a cool car you’ve just stolen.
• Images of yourself with your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend with their faces whited out, blacked out, or replaced with the face of Satan.
• Photos of your mother. And, especially, photos of your mother and you together on any kind of romantic vacation.
• Photos of you from such a great distance away that it is impossible to make out the features of your face. As women might guess, there is usually a reason for that.

 

 

3. PRIORITIES

For Women

Ladies, you no doubt have priorities in your life. Here are the ones men most appreciate in their romantic partners:

• Providing sexual favors.
• Cooking delicious meals, then providing sexual favors.
• Working at a lucrative job, then providing sexual favors.
• Enjoying spectator sports, then providing sexual favors.
• Never talking about the relationship. Instead, spending that time providing sexual favors.

For Men

This is actually a trick category, since so few men actually have any concrete priorities. Still, for those who do, here are the ones to which women responded best:

• To use the following four-word vocabulary frequently: “I’m sorry” and “Yes, dear.”
• To never request sexual favors, but instead say, “whenever my woman is in the mood, that’s OK with me.”
• To be able to hear the minute details of their woman’s day, every day, and provide a foot massage while listening.
• Working at a lucrative job, then taking their romantic partner out to dinner—during which time he will ask about her day.
• Putting the toilet seat down.

 

 

4. SECRET KEY PHRASES

Peppering your dating profile with the exact phrases listed below, which have scientifically proven to entice quality men or women, can make all the difference in your irresistibility factor. See if you can’t seamlessly incorporate one or more of these:

For Women

• Trust completely.
• Never get jealous.
• Explore nude beaches.
• Absolutely love giving massages.
• Threesomes enhance the relationship.

For Men

• Cleanliness is next to godliness.
• Importance of commitment.
• If you’re not in the mood, neither am I.
• Had an operation to eliminate my snoring.
• What good is money if not to spend it on my woman?