The Definition of Insanity

If you have been following my other Hits & Mrs articles, you probably have taken note of my approach to think of yourself like a product that you are “selling” online to the right “buyer.”  This week I wanted to flip the script and rather than examining who you are attracting, we are looking at who is attracting you.

Most people tend to fall into similar patterns when they are looking for a product. You’ve probably heard someone say, “I only buy Mercedes®,” or “I’m a Mac® person.” What are they really saying? They’re saying they found a product or brand that works for them and they are comfortable continuing to buy that same product again and again. Why? Because going for something different involves risk. What if they don’t like it as much? What if people don’t like them as much if they drive a different car? What if someone makes fun of them for having different apps on their phone?

It is said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If being single is making you a little crazy, you have to see where in your life you’ve been making the same insane choices.

The top three crazy statements that I always hear from women are:

  1. HE JUST DOESN’T HAVE EVERYTHING I’M LOOKING FOR – Your mate is a person, not a checklist. In online dating it sometimes feels like your options are infinite, making it easy to discount someone early on because they are not exactly what you want. If they embody half of the qualities you are looking for, give them a shot. The other half might be even better than what you think you need.
  2. IT’S NOT GOING ANYWHERE…BUT HE’S A GREAT GUY – These two things have nothing to do with one another.  If you are looking for a serious relationship and you have conveyed that (after a reasonable length of time together) things need to be progressing and nothing happens, then you’re just wasting one another’s time (and quite possible fertility.) He can be a great guy, but maybe not be a great guy for you.
  3. THERE ARE NO GOOD GUYS OUT THERE – If you repeat a mantra enough in your head or to your friends, it will become fact for you. Every time that negative thought comes to mind, instead try talking or thinking about the person you want to meet. Your positive thoughts could change your perception, potentially helping to bring that person into your life more quickly.

Even in my own dating experience, I made myself crazy. I was in a pattern of dating bad boys.  There were musicians who juggled me with other girls when we all showed up to their show at the same time, handsome actors who coveted my professional connections more than my personality, and class clowns who needed to be at the center of attention at all times. One day I had an epiphany. I was dating the same type of guy and it really wasn’t serving me very well.  I kept getting frustrated with these guys who thought this was an acceptable way to treat a lady, but the reality was that I was accepting them and that treatment. I continued to be interested in guys like this because it felt more familiar. If you want to be treated like a lady, you should date a gentleman.

So I started a new plan. I named it Operation Date Nice Guys (Operation DNG for short) and I went on a mission to consciously change what I found attractive. I was looking for someone to spend my life with and not just a place to hang out on a Saturday night.

Changing how you define attraction is a not an overnight process, so to help me make smarter decisions, I created my “Three Date Rule.” This rule states that a decision about your future with someone should not be made until at least date three. Self-absorbed guys can really make an impression on a first date because they know how to tell a great story and get people to laugh or be impressed by them. Nice guys are too busy being nice to brag about themselves on the first date.

It takes a couple of weeks of getting to know you before most people of any type can be their true self on a date (see previous article, “Is it Worth a Second Date?”) I learned that if you are patient with a nice guy who listens, he can prove to be much more interesting than a jerk who is always talking.

Dear Mrs D is an online dating strategist who conducts one-on-one coaching sessions and workshops for singles on how to find success dating online just as she did. She has been seen on Fox, NBC, and CBS and has written an ebook “D is for Dating: A Guide to Successful Online Dating” which is available exclusively through her website
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