The other day, I got a random text from a guy I’ll call, “Joe.” Joe just graduated from my university, but I don’t know him very well. I would barely even consider him an acquaintance. I never gave Joe my phone number, but he appears to have it and use it liberally from time to time.

Whenever I don’t know someone, or they give me the creeps, I leave their name out of my phone to remind myself to be wary of them. To put things in context, I first met Joe when I was sober and he was very drunk at a college party. The only thing I remember from that encounter was his awful pickup line, “You don’t dress very cute. You should probably just take your clothes off.”

Back to a few nights ago: I got a text from a number saying, “I’m in your area. We’re going out for drinks Friday.” It took me a minute to figure out it was Joe.

A lot of guys think that being ultra-assertive works well for them after the nice guy approach fails. I am going to a charity event Friday night, and I let him know that I was unavailable. He said, “Saturday then.” I told him that I already had a date on Saturday. He said, “Well that guy probably sucks. I’ll show you a real good time.” It was hard to find a place to interject with a firm, “No.”

I found his attitude highly off-putting. Maybe Joe has tried to be nicer and less forceful in his approach in the past and it hasn’t worked. Being a doormat isn’t a great strategy most of the time. Although a lot of guys make the mistake of being an overeager puppy, at least puppies are sort of endearing. Joe didn’t ask me out. He told me he was taking me out. His approach took away my ability to weigh in on whether I want to go out with him. I had to be very direct to shoot him down, and honestly, I’m not sure all girls would feel comfortable being so blunt.

If your strategy for asking someone out isn’t working, trying the exact opposite approach may not be the way to go about it. The other person needs a polite way out if they are uncomfortable or uninterested. You can’t force someone to like you.