It happens to the best of us. We go into relationships with the best of intentions. We fall in love. We talk about the future together. We get engaged. We get married. Sometimes our relationships end abruptly through death or betrayal. Sometimes they just run their course.

Whatever the reason you find yourself single now, it’s important to heal and understand that it does take time for you to be ready to get involved with someone new. It’s quite likely that you don’t know exactly what you want when your life is in transition and your emotions are at an all-time high. You know that you want companionship. You know that you want to fall in love again. You sign up for an online dating site, hoping to find someone to ease the pain and help you move on.

The “Transition Person”

Like it or not, we sometimes need a transition person to help us through our life changes, divorces or breakups. Sometimes, without anyone’s fault, we end up becoming a transition person.  Being a “T.P.” isn’t a disease. It can help both singles grow as they get back into the dating scene. It can be very helpful to the one who is going through a divorce or mourning the loss of a loved one. But it can also be hurtful to the one who ends up being the transition person.

I spent many years being a transition person to a man I loved very much who was going through a divorce. He said I was “the one.” He said he never felt this way about a woman before. I thought we were on the road to “happily ever after.” After several years, he just couldn’t commit to marriage. He needed more time to heal. The ink was barely dry on his divorce papers. He just couldn’t sign up. Eventually, he remarried. It was just a case of bad timing for us.

Look Before You Leap

Now, I am not here to discourage anyone from dating someone who may need a transition person, is going through a divorce, or suffering the loss of a loved one. I’m just suggesting that you understand their needs now may differ from their needs down the road. The distraction of the legal issues, if going through a divorce, may linger on for longer than anyone would expect. It can take a toll on your relationship.

In order to enjoy your time in your new relationship, it’s important to communicate these issues when you first start dating. Once you know you have met someone you would seriously like to be involved with, express your concerns if you think this scenario might apply to you.  Some singles will not date a man or woman whose status is “separated.” While there isn’t a category of “separated, divorce pending” to select from, if you are not legally divorced, you are still married and may be unavailable.

The guy who broke my heart couldn’t imagine life without me. He also couldn’t sign up for marriage so soon after his wife had betrayed him and he spent years in litigation. To this day, he thanks me for helping him start his life over. He is grateful that he had a transition person. I, on the other hand, vowed never to be that T.P. again. It would be like putting my hand in the fire.

Making It Last… Maybe

Is every transition person only there for the time being? Is it possible to be the transition person and actually be lucky enough to meet someone quickly after a death or divorce of your loved one? More often than not, a transition relationship will run its course. Not always, though.  It is more common in cases of a difficult divorce than in an amicable divorce or the loss of a spouse. I know of many happily married couples that met shortly after one’s spouse had passed away. When one had a happy marriage, they tend to want to be married again. It isn’t about replacing someone, but adding someone into your life to create a new chapter with.

If you think you may be with your T.P., try not to compare the new person in your life to the old one. Make sure you are emotionally available for a new relationship. If you are separated, don’t say you are divorced, even if there is no chance of reconciliation. Be honest from the beginning. If your divorce is almost final, share those details with the new person in your life without dragging them into the emotional roller coaster you might be on.

The bottom line is, every relationship serves a purpose. Don’t be angry if you were a transition person. Try to get over the hurt if it doesn’t work out. Remember the good memories that you created together. If it’s possible to stay close and you had a deep friendship, don’t toss that person away completely. They were in your life for a reason, even if it didn’t go the distance. Understand that being the transition person is harder for the one without the prior loss.  Know that you are not alone when you are dating in transition.


Julie Spira is a worldwide expert in online dating. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Visit her at where you can share your online dating stories and learn how to create an irresistible online dating profile.

  1. perfect timing on this article. I recently got dumped after getting really close with a man I met and then after our amazing connecting over a couple of weeks and getting really close, he tells me that he’s not over his ex and still has feelings for her. Oh, and also that I remind him of her. Needless to say, I was disgusted, shocked and extremely hurt and felt used to boot. Moving forward and believing everything that happens is for my best interests…. My question, why get involved with someone knowing you’re not over the one before? Hurtful!

  2. Hello loundandclear,

    I understand your pain and appreciate your comment on the article. To answer your question, sometimes some people get lonely at the time their relationship has ended. Even if they aren’t over their previous relationship, they just want companionship. I truly don’t believe people go into a new relationship searching for a transition person to ease the pain. It just happens. I’m glad that you are moving forward. I know it hurts. It’s important to ask a lot of questions before getting too deeply involved with someone to see if they are truly available for a relationship or not. Then it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth the risk of opening your heart. Best of luck with your search.

  3. I just got involved with someone, very deeply involved, but it turned out that I was just her transitional guy, and I tranzished out of her life pretty quickly. I don’t think that asking a lot of questions is protection enough against getting hurt, though, because I put her through a catechism of questions about commitment, being in it for the long run, being seriously into me, and even got e-mails from her putting her sincere and total commitment in writing, so there could be no ambiguity about what exactly she was promising me, but that didn’t stop her from bailing on me two weeks into this relationship. (I would have asked for even more assurances, but didn’t want to risk scaring her off–I just wanted to be assured that she would be there at least long enough to work through any issues that presented themselves at first. None did, but she jetted anyway: “I’m just not that into you. Sorry,” two weeks after promising me that was the one ‘reason’ she would never give me.) No more separated-but-not-divorceds for me, no matter how beautiful and charming and smart and sweet. I violated my own hard-and-fast rule against dating such women, but there really are no exceptions to good rules like that, and you break them at your peril.

  4. Hello Stevennnnn,

    Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. It’s certainly a subject that many of us can relate to. There was nothing more you could have done in your situation. I think it’s always best to trust your intuition when entering into a new relationship. It takes time to get to know someone. In two weeks time, you can know what someone’s intentions are overall for a relationship, but there’s no guarantee that it will work out until you get to know them better. I’m sorry for your hurt and pain. It’s not fun being a transition person, regardless of how long your relationship was.

    Julie Spira

  5. that is why i waited till after the divorce was finalized before joining sites like this. it would be totally unfair to be “separated – divorce pending” and be in a relationship with someone who has the expectations of a serious relationship. even if you had the intentions of becoming serious with that person. i think the biggest thing a person can bring to a relationship is integrity. i personally would not want to date someone who was just separated. the reason why, is if they decided to get back together with their mate, it would create a “Sotah” situation, where that womans virtue is in question. also if you had a child together there would run the risk of creating a “mamzer” which creates karmic repercussions for the child, up to the 10th generation. that is basically placing the responsibility of someone else’s life out come in your hands.
    just some food for thought.

  6. I’m sorry Julie, but I disagree with your belief that ”people go into a new relationship searching for a transition person to ease the pain. It just happens.”..

    I Certainly DO think that EVERYONE who is an adult, knows this – that is why you have the notion of a ”rebound relationship”. Its just plain wrong if the person who’s divorced, widowed, separated communicates anything but to the new person. I don’t care how much they think/say they are ready — its a crock.

    Being a TP is NOT a good thing for anyone but another TP or for someone who really isnt serious, has an unrelated agenda and does not care about ‘wasting time’.

  7. I answered an online date request, and followed all the tips–email first, phone second (for a week) and then meet in person. My gut told me he wasn’t my type, but he was so sweet I gave it a shot. He told me he was divorced, but the papers were final on the exact date of our first date. I said, “oh, I’m your transition woman.” He said he didn’t know what that meant. His marriage lasted 17 years, and she left him. I knew better, but he was so attentive and considerate that I told myself to just go with the flow–nothing too serious. Long story short–we fell in love. One problem–the ending of his marriage left him a commitment phobe. I tried to tell myself that we started this relationship as a non-committal agreement, but my feelings changed–his did not. He said he loved me and didn’t want to ruin it. He swore that it would me that would leave him, and he couldn’t go through that again.

    After 5 years I gave him an ultimatum. When he said he thought we were doing just fine dating each only and would not change his mind, I ended our relationship.

    That was 2 years ago. I emailed him last week to apologize for the harsh way that the relationship ended. (I had tried 3x to apologize–no response from him) Finally, he responded. He very angrily told me his life was going great and that he had met his “soulmate” last December, and they are getting married next year.(He wrote this in an email)

    I feel that I gave so much to our relationship. We had so much fun.
    Not just him, but his daughter too. She was very much included in our outings.

    I worked so hard to build a positive relationship with his daughter (she was 11 when we first met, and did not speak.) She was a very well behaved girl and would talk, but only when asked specific questions. She and I built a very quiet but solid relationship. I miss her and hope she’s okay. The first thing that he said was going great in his life is that his daughter is now 18, and he no longer has to pay child support. I had asked her 3 years ago if she had any interest in going to college. She answered yes back then. While writing and re-reading this–I realize just how bitter I am.

    I know this is lengthy, but I feel so used. I was 47 when I met him. I will be 55 next month. I put more effort into our now defunct relationship than any of my others. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Now, after less than a year of meeting someone, he’s ready for marriage.

    I was told by him how lucky he felt to have found me. I was told every single day how much he loved me. (I told him too) He swore he just didn’t want another failed marriage. I feel very betrayed. Why wasn’t I the one? Strangers on the street would comment on the way he looked so in love with me. How can he be ready for marriage so quickly?

    1. Hi Carolyn,
      I know exactly what you’re talking about. Are they still together? How did history play out for you both?

  8. I like the helpful information you provide in your articles. I’ll bookmark your blog and check again here frequently. I’m quite sure I’ll learn lots of new stuff right here! Best of luck for the next!

  9. Hi I met a man in may,He just lost his wife in jan, But he said he was ready to move on and love again, We both knew there was a connection, He said he can see me in his future and was making plan’s on taking me with him,He told me he was my man, I fell inlove with him and he told me twice he loves me, Future plans were in the making, He kept telling me it will get better for us when he move’s from the place him and his wife lived for yr’s, Everything was going GREAT!! Well this morning i woke up,Went into the livingroom, Said you did’nt come back to bet, He said sorry, So i went back to bed for a few min knowing he went on his walk,When he returned he came into the bedroom and said, Why don’t you go home for a few day’s and give us a break,Then come back and we will go to the concert and see what happen’s, I said ok, So i went into the livingroom sat down and asked,What is really going on with you, He said he is not falling inlove with me and he don’t love me, He thought he was ready to move on but he is not, Said he is used to being with his late wife of 17 yrs, and being alone as he was a truck driver and said he was only home for acouple days Then gone again, He stopped when she fell termianally ill, He told me he’s not emotionally there and not ready for a relationship, He said it’s not me at all just that he need’s more time, He went from making plan’s last night getting a small business going wanting me to run it,To this morning breaking it off, Just telling me wed night he’s my man, oh and friday night reminding me that i will wait.. I am so hurt and so confused, I don’t know what to think, My bestfriend said she thinks he has feelings for me, But he’s just scared and has alot to get over before he can move on, Please help me if you can, Thank You!!!


  11. After being single and pushing every man away for the past 4 years..
    even some really good ones.. I innocently met a man that is going through a divorce.. it should be final in a few weeks.. the kicker is that I’m falling in love.. ugh.. and I hate it.. but love it too. I was so afraid for so long that I would never love again.. and he’s been so honest..
    and I’m so terrified that I will push him away.. i’m trying to be patient but I’m not as patient as I should be.. I don’t want him to think that I’m not thinking about him but I also don’t want to push..

    This is so hard.. I’ve started to pray again.. I feel like a teenager..
    my heart is in my stomache..

    1. Anita – I felt the same way – like a teenager again, haven’t felt this way in a loooong time! Here’s a special girl who is going through a divorce, and doesn’t want to get too close, but for 6 weeks did a pretty good job of convincing me that she was falling for me – then she suddenly interrupted it and I felt totally like wtf? I was also out of a 6 year relationship, difference is my breakup was bad, and hers – well she still loves him but in both our cases we both ended our respective previous relationships. I wasn’t expecting something this nice, but then I found myself greatly affected when the new girl wanted to stop – stating she wasn’t ready. So what can you do? So far I just expressed to her how i felt and 3 weeks later we hooked up again – after that though she says she still has mixed feelings.. so now its another waiting game as I get on with my own life – as I’m sure she’s moving light years in hers..

  12. I’ve consciously chosen to be the “transitional object” for several divorcing men, for reasons of my own. In none of those cases did I hope to become The One, and in all but one, those men still think of me fondly and thank me when they bump into me online or in the world.

    Well, damn it. Now I’m at an age where I want to be in an LTR again (my only child is finally on her own!) and I spent 4 months not even dating anyone, planning to make it six, when…wham! I met someone who I think is amazing! On so many levels – honest, sexuality, kindness, personal strength, shared experiences, compassion, etc. – we are a great match!

    I already know I’m falling for him, and I can see quite plainly he’s falling for me. His amicable divorce will allegedly be final in a few months. There are three teenagers involved whom I don’t plan to meet any time soon.

    I do not want to remarry, although I do think it would be delightful to “live” with this man several nights a week. (4-7 would be great!) We are both starstruck, but I’m the first Other Woman he’s been with in 17 years. I know my “worth” on the dating market – I’ve got a lot going for me – yet I feel really antsy because this terrific guy is in my hands and I want him to stay. On the other hand, if he freaks out in 1, 2, 5 years because he went straight from his marriage to my bed, I’ll be 1,2 or 5 years old and frankly, my star is going to start waning any day now.

    I guess I’ll “carpe diem” and just deal with the aftermath if/when it happens. But boy, am I afraid of this decision!

  13. I’ve just read so many of the comments that each of you have written regarding your experience as the “Transition Person.” This is something that is so emotional and painful for so many. How you can feel the most euphoric love ever, think about your future with someone, and often they end up marrying someone else. Timing is everything in life. When it comes to relationships, it’s the magical combination of meeting the right person at the right time, when both parties are ready for the deeper commitment. You can meet the right person at the wrong time, and the wrong person at the right time and more often than not it will not work.

    I hope this article continues to help others and please do continue to post your comments.

    Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.


  14. Does anyone know of a good book based on dating someone who is in transition?

  15. Hi everyone. I think I’m the TP at the moment as the person I’m seeing has only split up with her ex about 3 months ago! She’s said she’s not ready for a full on relationship which to that I said I’m willing to take it at whatever pace she is happy with. After all I really like her and we enjoy spending time together. The only other issue is she still talks and sees her ex as friends but it’s only making it harder for her but she won’t admit it!
    What should I do and how should I work this out between us. I don’t want to loose her as I’m really happy since I met her.
    Please someone give me some advice

  16. My situation is, perhaps, different. A former coworker who I was close to for two years got a divorce six months ago. The marriage was always a disaster, but he had a hard time extricating himself. He has asked to see me many times via Facebook, says he misses me. I was in a relationship too when we were work buddies who definitely had a strong connection. I finally met up with him yesterday–he lost a bunch of weight and went from hot to smoking hot. Because he knows me as friend first, and has seen me through the worst of days, I felt at ease…except I think I’m in love and always was–just suppressed.

    Problem is, he just broke up with someone he’s still in love with three weeks ago after a four month relationship. He wants to spend time with me, but I think just as friends. I can already see a future.

    I’m going to hang out with him and he’s asking me out, but I don’t sense that he wants more (though I felt an attraction years back).

    Am I a transition? His marriage was always a disaster and he didn’t love the wife, but she is a difficult person and they have kids, so this doesn’t feel like a not over her thing, but rather a not over the next girl thing. Ugh. Worse than this, this other girl he’s sad about is NOT for him! And I say this as a friend who listened to the story of her. I’m definitely this guy’s girl and am really hoping for him to get it.

    Any suggestions?

  17. Hi I’m seeing a woman that I’ve been friends with for more the 20years we kept in touch with each other she’s married and in the process of getting a divorce I’m falling in love with her and she’s tells me that she’s falling harder for me but she does not want to be in a relationship righ nowt cause of her situation. What do i do? It really hurts that i can’t have her like I want to. Please help? Thanks

  18. Recently ended a 9 nth relationship. The man in question I seperate for 2 years. I asked at the start of our friendship/relationship if he was ready to start a new relationship he promised he was and that he would not do so lightly. We have been together to the point of him introducing me to family and friends. Three weeks ago he spoke of us moving in together I was over the moon and happy. Then he dropped a bombshell last week his words exactly ” I love you but not enough I have to much going on in my head and I’m not ready for a relationship” I am devasted and I feel foolish. Worse thing is he lives right behind me and I can’t get away from seeing him daily I am not in a good place and feel depressed and alone he used me for company and then switched off when it suited !

  19. I need some advice. I am currently the TP with a man who has been separated from his wife for about 2 years but they still live in the same house (she lives upstairs and they don’t see each other) and they are still technically married. They were together for 12 years. Throughout the two years of their separation, he has tried to get her back by taking her out to dinner and talking. When we met, he said the last time he had done that was about 4 months ago. He has been extremely honest about everything right from the start so I can’t blame him but we have been dating for 3 and a half months now and last night I told him I loved him. He said he likes me a lot but isn’t ready to say that yet and still has feelings for his ex and that he just needs time to get over her, finalize the divorce and sell his house but he can see himself loving me someday. My question is it possible that he could still fall in love with me, or is this just a bad situation that I should get out of. Thank you!

  20. I’m in the process of transitioning and I need a date to help!! Please email!!!

  21. I met a man he says he was over his ex when I met him he told me about his daughter and Grandkids,I did not here that there we’re a baby mother,the daughter is in her 20’s I ,m thinking why is he still hanging on to this woman it dawn on me that he is in love with thus woman he claims she hurt him to his soul ,but I,m thinking that all this he said was a lie ,he led me on and it does hurt ,this man begged be to be with him ,I trusted him ,who does that , he said he did nothing wrong but he did ,I,m just going to go on with my life and listen more carefully next time ……thanks

  22. I made the wrong choice in getting involved with someone whom was newly divorced from a ltr. I met them on a dating site. Her and I had such a close connection for about 6 months. She was the one who defined us in about month 2 of us being exclusive and in a relationship. We saw each other about once or twice a week. Everything was wonderful. She even wanted me to check my schedule for future plans to go away right up until the night before she broke up with me. She had and still has so much emotional baggage and is so broken from past love loss! We talked and then attempted to carry on together without defining ourselves. As much as I want to be with her and as much as th connection we feel and as much as the amazing times we have together, I just can’t put my heart and feelings for her on back burner “waiting” for her to ever be ready. I just broke it off with her and told her that I’m going to open myself up to meeting and dating new women. I have an open heart and hers is closed up tight. We want to remain friends though right now, seeing her will just send a nail through my heart. I love her, and she just isn’t in a spot to love me. Hopefully this is happening to save me further heartache with her years down the road. 8 months…..we had. I learned a lesson, to never get involved with someone newly out of a relationship no matter how much they tell you they are ready. I also learned to never hold onto hope for someone to come around in their emotional availability nor to ever put my feelings on back burner and wait for someone to want my love.

  23. I see everyone’s comments here and I just want to give a collective hug to everyone that’s been hurt by someone who thought they were ready but actually isn’t. I really sucks to be in love with someone and have it blow up that the person isn’t ready. Hugs to everyone hurt by these people!

    1. Thanks Christine. That means a lot. I just saw your story above and it seems we’ve been through similar. So I’m giving a hug back to you.

      I’m a month into a breakup and as I look back I think I was unintentionally used as a transition. I believe it started off sincerely on her part, but a few months in she realized she wasn’t over her D, so she broke it off and I’m left hurting. Bad. Somehow, I do feel bad for her as well. Its just not a good situation for either person to be in. I’m trying to decide now it its worth waiting on to try to rekindle as I truly cared for her.

  24. I was the transitional/rebound for a guy going through divorce for about 7-8 months. We met at a seminar, so it was long distance. I knew he wasn’t ready for anything too serious, but he acted like a boyfriend. He never said the L word but always told me how much he cared and was always there for me when I needed him. We both travel a lot for work, but found time to travel to see each other several times. Right before Christmas he started acting weird, the holidays were understandably hard on him. I itried talking to him and he said he was stressed but would call me after Christmas. That was the last I’ve heard from him. I guess it’s over. It would be easier to accept if he’d just told me he wanted to end things. I guess in the end he didn’t think I was worth the trouble of a goodbye.

  25. Thank you everybody for all your comments about the transition person, I didn’t know about this, I dated a girl that I thought was divorced for over a year, only to find out after a couple of months and falling in love with her that she was only away from ex for a few months, and her divorce wasn’t even final yet. She showed me all the affection and love of a true girlfriend, she even told me she could see us spending the rest of our life together and getting married. She would say things like I want to tell you how in love I am with you but I can’t say it yet. At about five months in she started acting a little distant, so I asked her if we were ok and she said she needed to slow things down and take a break, so I invited her over to discuss what she was asking for , she said she needed to experience dating other people, and just date nothing serious and no sex, she still wanted to date me and have sex with me and also told me to date. I did that with her for a few weeks and didn’t like it so I told her to go find what ever she had to find and when she was done and wanted to get back together, if I was still available we would try again. I just found out from a friend of hers that right around the time she told me about taking a break that she had joined a dating site. I felt betrayed and mixed feelings of hurt and anger. I have joined a dating site myself and saw her profile and she’s looking for a guy with all the qualitys that I have. Now after reading these articles I knowing that I was her transition guy. I still have strong feelings for her, but I’m moving forward and getting on with my life, it still sucks, I really thought she was meant to be the love of my life!

  26. I was in a relationship for 12 years, married for 4 of those years until I found out my husband was cheating on me. Needless to say I was a complete wreck for a few months and needed a TP. I met a guy fresh out of a 10 year long relationship on a dating app and after a month of chatting we finally met up. We were clear that we were both seeking companionship but not looking for something permanent. My mistake was not setting the boundaries for a TP relationship because my naive mind was open to where this could lead. We lived and spent all of our available time together for 8 months. I grew very fond of him and became emotionally attached to the point I would be happy to build a new life with him. The one complication we have is he is not from around here and has to leave soon. Last week, I voiced my feelings for him and how much it is going to hurt to lose him in a very emotional talk, in which he said he felt a lot of love and care for me too..we cried talking about how much we’re going to miss each other. Now things are back to normal as he is planning to leave. No mention or wishes for the future at all. I wish he wanted me as much as I want him. Even if he knew he wasn’t going to commit why spend all this time together in an exclusive relationship?

  27. hi
    I enjoyed your article about transition person. I was involuntarily involved in quite a serious relationship with a woman who i knew from teenage years and was now living in Texas. While she insisted she was not married indeed she was via Common law. So I was involuntarily a transition person, in a very grey, rare area of american law that I think only exsists in 6 or 7 states.
    Fact is, in TX, you can’t prove or disprove someone is married, There is not public license on file.
    So i really got taken for an emotional roller-coaster ride, by a married woman who lied about her status.
    I think its great you tell people to be honest if they’re not fully divorced, but unfortuntately I would be this is not the norm. Most people (and i have come across other women since), particularly women who have kids, seem to get stuck in this financial/emotional dependence on the husband, while a divorce is pending…yet im sure they are lonely and looking for company, sex and more.
    But from my view, as a single man, its really buyer-beware. I just met some woman from out of town, who in subsequent communications, told me she had been involved with a man who just “took his wife back”, but this woman my friend herself was indeed divorced..(not like the man she was involved in). Last week she was back in my city with her girlfriend, and it became clear she is not “really divorced”, but almost divorced,. For example, she had to lie to who she refers to as her “ex husband” and her kids, about coming to my town (a major city), because on the previous trip, her “ex husband”, gave her a hard time about spending his money on this trip.
    My point is, red flags, red flags. People who are divorced with a divorce decree, have an independence that people who are “almost divorced” dont have. From regulated payments from the husband to the wife, to regulated child visitations and many things in between.
    I think this woman means quite well, and truly believes she is “almost divorced”, but almost divorced is not divorced, and her husband is not her ex husband, he is her husband indeed.
    I think you pointed out, that a married person is not capable of marrying someone else. GREAT point, highly overlooked by the married men and women around the globe who try to convince themselves and others that they are “almost divorced”. It would be very hard to “elope” with someone who’s almost divorced.
    In my termination of the TX relation, THAT point, was one of the many points I had to hammer to my TX gf, “you can’t marry me even if you wanted to because you’re married to him”.
    And I will now casually mention that to my new out-of-town friend, just to see what she says, but its the most innocent simple point. There’s no such thing as almost divorced, and a person is not an ex until such papers are signed and on public record. (even in TX with no marriage licence, a court process is required to obtain a divorce decree, after 6 months of living together, and establishing common law marriage).
    My plans generally now, and nothing happenned with this new friend, but is hold them accountable for their words, and if no divorce decree, sorry but im not getting involved. It leaves room for the huge possiblitiy that the suddenly neglectful “separated” husband or wife can change their mind and go back, because of money, because of kids, because of drinking or because of sex.
    I think anybody like me who wants to voluntarily be a TP, should think again and not do it, I think most of us who end up in that seat end up there by deception by the “almost divorced” new girlfriend or boyfriend lying to us , but look behind the scenes at the lifestyle. My new almost divorced friend of my curiousity, drives a BMW, she doesnt work, and has 3 kids. Not exactly a poor lifestyle. I’d think if that’s financed by the “EX” (not so ex)husband, its highly unlikely he has no control over her day to day activities. The sneak trip to my city? So she lies to her husband and her kids? nice….
    so, buyer beware is all i can say…..


  28. So no TP ever comes around to be the one? I am not sure I am a TP since our time together was so short just 8 weeks end to end. I met him shortly after a 1.5 years relationship, he has everything I envision in my future partner — he is an awesome guy and we got along so well, similar values, interests , taste etc. We dated for 3 weeks and were in an exclusive relationship for 5 weeks. I was enjoying the honeymoon period and suddenly he pulled the plug saying things were moving too fast he is not ready (he finalized his divorce paper in Feb). I was okay to slow things down but ultimately he decided he should not be in a relationship now and would be open to talk in a few months or hangout as friends. My divorced friends all said he is a nice guys not dragging me on, but I am stubborn I want a second chance to develop this relationship to the full potential!

  29. I got divorced more than 20 years ago. I’ve voluntarily and knowingly been the TP for several divorced men. But over time, as one of the previous commenters wrote, I’ve decided I want a LTR of my own. (Still not sure I want to ever remarry.) About two years ago at a conference, I met a colleague who bowled me over. The chemistry between us was crazy and I was stunned. He was married, so we acted completely honorably, both aware of it, neither mentioning it. Lots of smiling and just laughing at the irony of it.

    Well, well, well. For business reasons, we’re in touch about 1-2 times per week. About 6 months ago, he tells me (in shock) that his second wife (of 7 years) up and left him. My heart does a little happy dance, although I know that’s wicked. Slowly, I made it 100% clear that I’m interested in him. He is definitely interested in me too, and we’ve talked about integrity – not doing anything inappropriate until he’s completed the divorce, if indeed it becomes a divorce. He lives 1K miles away, but I keep thinking, “I’m portable! My whole life is portable.” My instinct is to put my dating life on hold and just wait. I feel like a cat twitching its tail, eyes on the mouse hole. Patience. Patience.

    Remember: I have a very wide experience of men, being single for so many years. And I have liked unavailable men before, and available ones, and too available ones, etc. And I can only say this: I believe this is the one I want. Like, for keeps. In my whole life, he’s the one. THAT is terrifying. I try to date others, but my brain compares them to him, even while I’m telling it to shut up. He has some truly fabulous character traits and an IQ that is rarely matched. I despise myself for watching the mouse hole with such eagerness. But here I am. Twitch…twitch…twitch…

    I’m going to force myself to date others. He will know, of course, and that may cost me his potential love. But I cannot put my life on hold waiting for him. If he IS “The One” (not that I really believe there’s just one of anything!) then eventually, if the timing is ever right, he will show up in my life. Until then, I suspect withdrawing to the best of my ability while he goes through this is the best course of action.

  30. thanks for all the posts really interesting having been used as aTP and badly hurt by someone my advice is never never get involved with someone who isn’t truly available and honest with their intention as they will suck the life from you and discard you like a used rag when it suits. Separated people are in a no mans land where they want the thrill of a new relationship but the comfort and security of knowing they can return when the itch has been scratched its only the TP who loses out sad but true big love to all those who have been caught like this its not easy and a harsh lesson to learn.

  31. My situation is similarly to all above I’ve read his a newly divorcee with 2kids sharing custodian and the was lots of assets involved, we dated from October 2016 he was on separation and divorce was final in Feb 2017. 2weeks ago language of our what’s up chats has changed no more blowing kisses and voice msgs are not longer, nice and sweet but straight to the point. His been honest in everything though I used the L word alone I didn’t mind cs I knew still early for him. He send me a msg last night that his going thru tormenting time but booked a counseling for him and girls, he still calls and send one line what’s up checking on me with out anything sweet, I’m so confused and frustrated on what to do. I like him very much his all Im looking for in a man. Any one pls help and advice on way forward if I should hold on or try to shut him out?

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