• Hey!
• What’s up, sexy?
• I like you.  Let’s chat.
• You must be tired because you’ve been running around my mind all day!

If you’ve ever sent someone (or received) an email like any of the ones above, then you know the outcome: crickets.  No respectable woman (assuming that’s what you’re going for) wants to receive an email that not only shows that you didn’t read her profile, but also turns her into a piece of meat rather than acknowledging the real, and likely wonderful, person she is. I made up the lines above, but below are several real, unedited emails that female clients of mine have received from men on various online dating sites that were appalling and certainly not the right way to get someone to respond favorably:

• Your profile caught my eye and I am a little embarrassed to tell you why. You look just like.. You look like the mom next door, but I can’t help but think you’re super naughty. It is really hot. You are innocent and sweet looking, but it is like you are thinking something less than pure in your head. I don’t know why I got that feel, but I did. It just makes me think you are very sexy milf! haha Okk, sorry! That was too forward! hah 

• Wow ok.. So u probably get alot of bull crap messages so I’m just going to be real. I would like to know u and take u out lol. U wanna know more about me, write me 🙂 hope to hear from soon

• Shut up and let me take u out

• Too bad for me that I am married!!!!

These are bad, and I hope I don’t have to explain why. Now that we’ve gotten what not to do out of the way, let’s look at the top five creative ways to get women to message you back:

5.      Speak like a human.

Okay, this one admittedly isn’t very creative, but it is necessary.  Please check for grammar and punctuation, and don’t use “text speak.”  If you want to say “you,” then write it out rather than using “u” instead.  It’ll go further than you may think.

4.      Make sure she knows you read her profile.

This is another boring one, I know, but it’s important that you don’t just comment on her “sexy smile.” Rather, comment on how she completely beat your time in the marathon or how impressive it is that she actually practiced the piano when she was little, unlike someone you know (aka you).

3.       Use a creative subject line.

Would you rather answer an email with “Enjoyed your profile” or “Martian invasion – take cover” as the subject line?  Unless you’re actually concerned about beings from Mars (or don’t like people with a sense of humor), then I’m guessing you’d choose the latter. So will she.  Another fun one I saw recently was, “Tell your boss to give you a raise” to a woman who was self-employed.

2.      End your email with a question, preferably a fun one

Not fun: “How are you enjoying the weather these days?” (Seriously? Already resorting to conversations about the weather?)

Fun: “So your friends say you’re loyal, funny, and adventurous… that’s great!  But what I want to know is: How would your enemies describe you? ;-)”

Another fun one: “I love the fact that chocolate chip cookies were listed as the first thing on your ‘can’t live without’ list.  Now, I have a very important question for you: With walnuts or without?”

And #1…

1.        Joke with her in a way that makes her want to joke back

“I see that you’re a Red Sox fan.  Hmm… that doesn’t bode well for us considering I love my Yankees.  It’s a good thing you also mentioned that you like single-malt Scotch.  Redeemed!”

“You dislike sushi? Okay, I’m going to have to work on that one with you. We won’t start out with eel or anything raw. Deal?”

Much of the advice above is geared towards opposite-sex couples, but the same concepts apply for same-sex couples.  If you’re looking for someone on the more serious side, which, because JDate is a paying site, I will assume you are, then spend some time on that first email.    Obviously, no one can ever guarantee a response, but if you follow these tips rather than your usual “Sup, yo?” email, then you’re at least off to a good start into online dating bliss.