Dear Matchmaker Rabbi:
I am a good looking, funny, 38-year-old Jewish man. I am on disability due to my fine motor issues, my spatial reasoning, multitasking and short-term memory. My attention to detail is also impaired. I get a Social Security check that, along with family money, has been getting by. The most beneficial thing about being on disability is the free Medicare and Medicaid it provides.
My question is that this situation has made Jewish women rule me out when they find out. The few Jewish women in my situation are not intelligent at all. I have a college degree and these women do not have the ability to keep up with me intellectually. Besides, I cannot actually even recall a Jewish woman on federal disability, or who is unable to work, even agreeing to a date with me.
Is there hope of finding a Jewish woman? Is it anything but a slim hope? I have no career ambition.
–Hapless and Almost Hopeless
Dear Almost Hopeless:
I think the question you should be asking is not whether an intelligent Jewish woman would agree to a date, but whether any intelligent woman would agree to a date. Would you agree to a date with you? If your answer to that is “yes” then, sure, I think there is hope. You just have to find the right person. If your answer is “probably not,” then you might think about what you can do to improve yourself and your life which, by the way, are great questions for any person to ask of themselves.
You are right that having financial stability and resources is an attractive quality in a potential partner, and by not having those things, you are at a disadvantage. But teachers, social workers and other low-paid folks find love and happily marry every day, so it is clear proof that a great many people look beyond a person’s paycheck.
The fact you say you have no career ambition, though, makes me wonder what it is you can offer a romantic partner. To not have ambition for money is one thing. But to have no ambition at all suggests you don’t have hobbies or charitable causes that inspire and motivate you; that you aren’t really passionate about anything and that apathy might prevent you from doing the thousands of small niceties that are the heart and soul of a love relationship.
Medicaid may be free, but there are no freebies in love. Only good old-fashioned hard work.
—The Matchmaker Rabbi
To ask The Matchmaker Rabbi a question, please email myrabbi@jdate.com.
Joysa Winter, aka The Matchmaker Rabbi, knows all about how hard it is to find lasting love. It took her 17 years to find Mr. Not Wrong! In that time, she tried just about every singles site, dating club and Matzah Ball known to humanity. Now in her fourth year of rabbinical school and the mother of 1.5 kids, nothing brings her greater joy than officiating a wedding. She is finishing a book on her dating adventures called Chasing Cupid, Tales of Dating Disaster in Jewish Suburbia. You can follow her on Twitter at @wanderinghebrew.
It is unfortunate but the truth of the matter is that it does matter that you are disabled and do not have much money as a women centrally needs to feel taken care of even if she makes more money than you. I know many people who are unable to physically work but, like you, their minds work and they do have career ambition. Sorry but love alone will not get you by. You yourself felt bored by women without degrees and I am sure you would feel bored yourself with someone who has no ambition. There must be something you like to do or possibly want to contribute to. Otherwise our lives become very self-centered. As jews…our ambitions which are usually either academic or professional, drive us. Try to delve deep inside to find out what drives you and pursue it. Don’t make a woman be your focus…that fades fast. You can move out of your self-absorbed life into something that can contribute and can be interesting and helpful. I promise you you will make a much more desireable catch for an ambitious jewish woman. I ask you ..would you be attracted to someone with no ambition? The answer is likely no. So:
1)Move beyond yourself and your self pity and into action to make yourself interesting, useful and practical to yourself and your future mate.
2) Via number 1, that will make you far more interesting to a woman, much less a jewish woman. If you had history with someone, this would not be much of an issue..but starting out this way, you have an uphill battle..I am being brutally honest but this is what is up right now in the 30’s and 40’s out there single and dating.
3) Even if you are on disability, living and depending on your folks and a social security check is just not desireable for any future bride..she will not feel secure financially and knows that it is up to her to support both of you and that is not very appealing. What can you do to change the stakes despite your disability? You seem to have a great mind..get your head out of the clouds and come down to earth and be available, be a partner to this woman. Participate in life and stop being a victim and a spectator.
Please help find lost dog.
Bent tail.
Missing leg.
One eye.
Answers to name “Lucky.”
— The key here is what you offer, not just what you need.
I do have ambition..just not in the career sense. I did attempt and fail at many jobs until, a federal judge determined I could not work. I volunteer in politics, and am active in my synagogue. My priorities are family, friends, health and faith. Early in a date a woman asks what I do for a living. I tell her I do ok, and have an independent source of income. She presses for a more specific answer. She asks what JOB do I have.If I am evasive, she loses interest. If i am truthful she loses interest. She is a general term for any date. I wanted to clarify Rabbi’s and others thoughts.