Spring is a time for growth and renewal. But if your date’s level of Jewish cultural awareness doesn’t match your own, then your “spring fling” can only grow into a spring letdown. There are so many permutations within the Jewish culture, it’s best to find someone who thinks like Jew do! So before you let yourself be swept away by someone new, give your JDate match this fool-proof quiz to see just how Jewish they truly are! If they can’t answer correctly, but you can, you may want to reconsider labeling them your Beshert!


Test-a-Jew Sample Questions:

1. “Abba” is:

A. The Hebrew word for “father.”

B. The secret code word for getting into the hottest bar mitzvah parties.

C. Swedish band famous for cheesy music that’s still popular, God knows why.


2. “Mezuzah” is:

A. A small parchment scroll written by a scribe and affixed to the doorpost, containing the first two paragraphs of Shema.

B. The sound made in the throat when ingesting a matzoh ball that’s too dry.

C. The personal form of “Youzuzah.”


3. “Gut Shabbes” is an expression meaning:

A. Good Sabbath.

B. Shabby Guts.

C. We still own show business – pass it on.


4. Which of the following sentences uses the word “shpilkes” properly?

A. I had shpilkes before my big job interview.

B. Would you prefer some of the chocolate or the coconut shpilkes?

C. Did you shave your shpilkes today?


5. Which of these best describes Haman?

A. The villain of the story of Purim.

B. The menu term immediately preceding “cheese sandwich.”

C. The last name of the one Orthodox Jew who plays professional hockey.


6. “Kashrut” means…

A. Jewish dietary laws.

B. The condition immediately preceding bankruptcy.

C. His real last name before he became “Neil Diamond.”


I think you’ll agree with me that a test like this will do much to weed out those who just can’t live up to your level of Jewish awareness. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. You’re welcome. Happy Spring.

<Mark Miller is a marketing specialist, Facebook fanatic and comedy writer who has performed stand-up comedy in nightclubs and on TV, written on numerous sit-com staffs, been a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate and is a current humor columnist for The Huffington Post. But he says he’d trade all his success away in a minute for immortality, inner peace and limitless wealth.
  1. Sounds good in theory… but do you really think you can ask those questions and start any kind of relationship? I would be very offended if someone started testing me like that. I think there are better more subtle ways of doing it… but I would not get a laugh like I did here!

  2. Anybody could beat this test. I’m not Jewish but got them all right and easily.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *