Some men distinguish themselves by being great scientists, statesmen, artists. I was a woman’s last online dating hope. I did not choose or go after this “honor” – it was bestowed upon me by Kathy, whom I met on JDate. Kathy informed me that her experiences meeting online dates in person had been so horrible, so traumatic, so soul-draining, that she decided to give the process just one more chance. She’d decided to meet one more guy before removing herself from online dating for all eternity – and I happened to be the guy; the last guy she was going to meet; her final chance for online romance.
Of all the online dating sites, in all the towns, in all the world, she logs on to mine. After hanging up the phone, I found myself experiencing a range of emotions not unlike the Seven Stages of Grief. First, there was Cockiness – those other guys may have disappointed her, but I’ll make up for them. Then, Doubt – what if I don’t measure up? Next, Resentment – what right does she have to place that “Last Man” burden upon me? Then, Guilt – if I turn out to be her final disappointment, it could push her over the edge; she could end up doing something drastic like taking her own life – or even worse, mine! Finally, Acceptance – ah, what am I worried about? It doesn’t take much to see that the problems of two Jewish online daters don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. I’ll give it my best shot. That’s all I can do. I owe the poor woman that much.
The fateful day arrived. As Kathy’s last online dating hope, I felt a sense of power. And yet with dating power comes great dating responsibility. I shaved, showered, and put on clean underwear – all things antithetical to basic male nature. I’d even carefully selected a little café with a funky, romantic atmosphere. As was my custom, I arrived early and asked the piano player to play one of my favorite romantic songs, James Brown’s “Sex Machine.” Sam didn’t feel like playing it, but I was firm. “Play it.” He started playing and as if on cue, Kathy walked in.
Or was it Kathy’s mother? She sort of looked like her photo – if her photo was taken twenty years earlier and thirty pounds lighter. The photo showed a young, happy woman with a short, trendy haircut. The in-person version was bigger, older, with long, shapeless hair, slumped shoulders, a beaten-down-by-life demeanor and personality, and some very odd facial expressions. Could her appearance have had something to do with Kathy’s negative dating experiences? Hey, what do I know? It’s just a theory.
To say there was zero attraction is like saying the Ku Klux Klan has no Affirmative Action program. Every minute of that thirty minute coffee date was an eternity. And those are thirty eternities I’ll never get back again. The clincher – and my final nail-in-the-coffin test for any prospective romantic relationship – I asked her what she thought about the Beatles. She shrugged and said she could take them or leave them. I could never fully give myself to any woman who wasn’t nuts about the Beatles. I wouldn’t trust her.
At least I was honest. I told Kathy I didn’t feel any chemistry. And that I fully supported her idea of abandoning online dating. In fact, I told her in no uncertain terms, “If you don’t get off that dating site, Kathy, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.” Her eyes misting, she touched my arm and said, “We’ll always have Culver City.” I gave her a final hug, and as I walked off into the fog, I remember thinking to myself, “Mark, this is not going to be the start of a beautiful friendship.”
That was too funny! 30 min is long…I want write a book with my stories too!
All geared up for your online date with a romantic flare to find the unexpected. Long 30 minutes of eternity!!!
I have been on JDate on and off for 5 years. Like Mark Miller, I used to go on several coffee dates with no second date with the same person, particularly when I first joined JDate. However, nowadays I find that even coffee dates are few and far between. In the last few weeks I have had ladies ringing me up to cancel. At least they didn’t text or not show up. The excuses range from I’m just too busy right now to “my ex has been ringing me the last few days and my head is spinning”. In the past, I have pursued ladies for up to 6 months just to get a return on my JDate investment. Also. when I first joined JDate, women wanted me to post a photo, which I did, but nowadays more women don’t post photos of themselves! I can empathise with Kathy’s predicament in the above article, but I truly believe that in most circumstances, guys are rejected far more often than the ladies are. I consider myself to be friendly and good looking too. Sad, but true.
I can completely relate to John. Attractive women on JDate are far too picky, just like attractive women everywhere!
I can completely relate to what Jacob wrote. Attractive women everywhere are much too picky. However, as I am in my mid-50’s now, I have to admit that I have become moderately picky myself, especially since I am financially well off and in excellent health. Although I still would consider marriage to a Jewish woman who wants a very stable, serious, and committed relationship, where divorce NEVER is an option, I have yet to find such a woman. I really do not mind if I remain single. However, I am sure that there are many single Jewish women who will regret staying single, especially when they get older and want or even need companionship.
I probably would have cancelled my coffee date with Kathy and made up an excuse, as unfortunately many attractive women have cancelled coffee dates with me. However, it seems that Kathy had an attractive photo, so I probably would have been tempted to go like Mark Miller. I once went on a date with a girl who had a stunning model like photo but turned out to be unattractive in person. Then again, I have been on dates with ladies who are much more attractive than their photos. Point being, you should’t judge a JDate photo by its cover, unless the photo is completely repulsive!
Great to hear I’m not alone in thinking the women are way, way too picky. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve been willing to second date, but I can see the women making up their mind as they walk to say hello after seeing me across the room. Funny thing is, these dates have lasted 2-4 hours EVERY SINGLE TIME, and while not a movie star I am not an unattractive man (and that is not my opinion, but the opinion of friends I trust), yet no second dates with the ones I would have been willing to have. The only thing I can relate this to is their lack of seriousness from the getgo, and that’s what all internet dating sites are full of.
Guys, have you ever considered that the lack of a 2nd date had nothing at all to do with your looks, but possibly with the content or your conversation, your body language, your behavior, your responses and reactions, where the lady may have been trying to assess your character, your personality, and whether or not the two of might be a good match. And yes, I do agree it is apprehensible for anyone to be posting old pics of themselves- what is there to gain from that but an instant turn-of? A very old outdated photo doesn’t deserve more than a 30 minute coffee date. And btw, I am finding that men are lying about their ages more than women I talk to. I myself, never thought of that as even an option–starting off with a lie…..
Mark I live in Houston Texas and it’s funny that you mentioned your coffee date in Culver City California where I used to live. Everyone has a story in the naked city and we all could write a book.I feel it’s harder at my age of 64 I really don’t wanted date a 50-year-old because they don’t know who the Beatles are maybe wings? Anyway enjoyed your article regards ron
Very funny. I’ve sometimes wondered if I’ve been the girl that makes men want to get off dating sites.
I am smiling because although I have had little success with online dating websites, one of my criteria is also an appreciation of the music of my era, especially the Beatles! Although this is limiting, when I reveal my love of the oldies, I really do mean the OLDIES because I am an oldie (age 66)—-hahaha. Yes, I am laughing at myself but the generation gap catches up with us when it comes to our music. We can talk current events all day and night long but my age group longs for the melodies and words of the songs we danced and romanced to long ago. So, good hunting to all of us and save a slow Johnny Mathis dance for me, won’t you?
Babs, has it ever occurred to you that the guy with the outdated photo simply finds it embarassing to get someone to take a more recent photo of him for JDate purposes? You’ll also be surprised to learn that there are guys who still don’t own a digital camera! The other thing is a guy gets instantly rejected by ladies if he looks too old in a photo. Unfortunately, more and more ladies are chasing guys younger than themselves nowadays and therefore they get rejected by ladies even a few years younger than them for that reason. Also, what you say about body language, responses, and other qualities may be true but I can assure you that an attractive lady will be FAR more harsh in judging these qualities than an unattractive, overweight lady. I know this from experience and I am a good looking, friendly and considerate guy. Unfortunately, this is a fact of life regarding being rejected by attractive ladies and I also believe that the qualities you are looking for, I possess.
The main problem with on-line dating is that many forget that the internet should merely serve as a meeting point. A real relationship has to happen in the real world! Unless you’re looking for a pen-pal and a text message turns you on more than a caress! Keep it honest, don’t lie about age, post recent pictures (yes, we all post our most flattering pictures, just keep them current) and if you don’t have a digital camera, I’m sure you know someone who does! The reality is that dating does involve rejection on both sides and we all have stories to tell that would discourage the faint-hearted. However, each date should teach you something about yourself, even if it just serves to give you a clearer picture of the type of person that is best suited to you, in every respect. Attraction isn’t about looks – we have all met people who were very good looking but who we feel no attraction to at all, and the reverse is also true, where the first physical impression is off-putting and after a few minutes of conversation you are spell-bound. You might think the other person is being “picky”, but maybe they just have enough experience, confidence and self-knowledge to know what works for them. Just be yourself, keep an open mind, treat others with dignity and respect, keep a positive attitude and if you’re lucky enough to meet the right person for you, and it’s meant to be, it will unfold naturally. In the meantime, lighten up, remember that every pot does have a lid, and have fun looking for your perfect fit. Be picky! Being indiscriminate makes the search that much harder!
John, you are so right. The majority of women who view me are older by 3-10 years. I guess women go through mid life crisis the same as us guys and want a younger body lying next to them too. It’s just when we do it ….we are called not so nice names. When women do it ….they give it a cutsy name like cougar.
a phone call and some sort of realistic quick g rated skype session is always a good idea. people are always in such a rush… why the rush? Good things happen to those who wait.
But now this poor woman can read all your thoughts and insults. While all of what you experienced may be spot on, the fact you just broadcast it for her to read shows that you are not a gentleman…and what did you get out of writing this…a few chuckles and publication on jdate? Trust me, this woman got hurt from your words.
I think that this may help Kathy see how another sees her. A twenty-year old photo is hardly honest. She should have posted something more recent but maybe she couldn’t because she sounds depressed.
hi, you all are talking about a man having a bad experience with a woman who present herself in an old picture.
most man that contacted me are doing the same, saying in their profiles that they have an age and when you see them they are between 5 and 10 years older.
you’re talking about picky women, you should see man’s expectations on their profiles.
I’m a 40 year old woman look a few years younger than my age, about average looks, Master’s degree, size 8 and online dating is a waste of time for me. The men are only interested in short term fling. I wonder if these Peter Pan guys in their 40s realize that senior citizen status is right around the corner. By then, women in their 40s will be dating younger men. Noone wants a 50 year old man. By then, the 50 year old women left will be the worst of the worse. People online think short term too much. Those who fail to plan, plan to fail. We’re all getting older and less attractive as the years go by and dating gets even harder. How can people be happy living good years of their life alone making superficial connections with a mindless rotation of strangers. Our generation is so broken regarding values, respecting family institutions and gender roles. What’s even more pathetic is the guys online expect to be chased. Very sad dating world we live in now.