Patti Stanger’s “Married in a Year” outlines a 12-month action plan for finding love and “sealing the deal.” Treating the art of courtship similar to a business negotiation, Stanger proposes no-nonsense tips for finding your perfect mate and not wasting time with someone you are incompatible with. She walks viewers through her steps to success including:
- “Dating Detox” to take a break from dating and identify what it is that you want
- Meeting your match and attracting the right mate
- “10 Commandments of Dating” with rules for the first date and beyond
- Red flags and warning signs of a relationship that isn’t working
In the dating detox period, Patti recommends finding your five non-negotiables. Determine what the five things are that you can’t live without. Whether it is religion, location or financial security, you should have a good idea of what these non-negotiables are before entering the courtship process. According to Stanger, you can tell if he is the right guy if “he shows up on time, he calls when he says he will call and you get to be the Saturday night girl.”
As for the early dating process, Stanger says, “Coffee is cheap, drinks are an audition, lunch is an interview, but dinner means business; the business of romance.” One major mistake I have made in dating is the flow of conversation. While Stanger urges women to open conversation up for a “ping pong match,” I have often been told I come off as interrogating my dates and they feel like they are in an interview or legal trial. I will have to take Stanger’s “ping pong match” metaphor into consideration for future dates.
One of Stanger’s 10 commandments of dating is “thou shall return calls promptly.” As a female business owner, I often prioritize my business over dating when an eligible dating candidate could be knocking at my door. I agree with Stanger that men will perceive you as flaky if you do not honor your dating commitments or return calls promptly.
One of the biggest mistakes alpha females make is being the hunter in the relationship. In my exclusive interview with Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger, Patti gave me the cold hard truth about why alpha females, like me, end up single forever.
Stanger says, “If you want the relationship to work, he has to pursue you or he will get lazy. You want a hunter male, not a passive, weak wimp.” Read her other tips below in this exclusive JDate interview.
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Kris: If a guy says “I think you should date other people, it would be good for you” after one year, what do you recommend?
Patti: Is this really a question? Say,”Bye, have a nice life!” That means you are not his top choice and it won’t make you feel good to be second choice. Start dating someone he knows or is aware of and watch how scared he gets. That’s war when a man says that to a woman.
Kris: If you have to remind a guy to buy you flowers on your birthday, and you have to drag him to a store to get you a holiday present, what is your advice?
Patti: Get rid of him. Before you get rid of him, you can say, “You didn’t bring me flowers.” If he says, “I’m just not that kind of romantic guy,” then you know that’s not who he is. You can’t change anyone; it should be innate. I once went on a date with someone and I said, “Did you ever buy an engagement ring?” and he said, “Nope, I’ve never done it and I wouldn’t even know how.” Based on his tone and the agitation, you can tell he’s never getting married.
Kris: Should you leave a guy after one year if he doesn’t want to get married regardless of your age?
Patti: You are looking for a guy who wants to be married; you should know by month six where your head is. Women stay because of sex or because he’s cute. A woman’s body parts rule her mind. Decipher who are the marriage-minded boys from the bad boys. You are not trying to break a stallion. You are tying to find the one that is more on the same vibrational frequency as you. Don’t waste time on the wrong one. It is not about “The Rules,” it is about finding the right one. The rules are there to create boundaries so the right one pops, but sometimes you can’t see it right away.
Kris: How are some ways to tell if you are financially incompatible? What should a woman pay for vs. a man in the first year of courtship?
Patti: Financial insecurity will break a relationship. However, if you date the fireman and you are making 250K a year, the fireman works 2 days a week. So, the other days, he can go off and create a secondary income to support your lifestyle. It’s about ambition and having a plan. He’s putting gas in your car and fixing the light bulb, its all about compatibility in financial relationships. If we cancel them out, they will be screwed. It is about him not being intimated by your bank account. If he wants sex, he’s got to woo you. Men have to get romantic.
Romantics usually stay romantic. The reason they take you off the market is because they know they will get sex every night. If your trauma is not severe and you’re not spoiled, then he will woo you. For example, I recently went on a date with a friend of mine who fixed me up with her brother. There were three women and her brother. We all ordered brunch and he said he wasn’t hungry. When the bill came – he had begged to meet me – he didn’t pay for anyone. You asked to go out with the Millionaire Matchmaker and yet you didn’t pick up your sister’s tab. I knew something was wrong and was turned off. You have to look for the road signs on the road. Women should pay for groceries, brunch (exclusive) and little things, books, etc. Three-to-one is the rule; less is more.
Kris: I am extremely alpha. What would be your best advice for me to find love?
You insist on being masculine; you are alpha and you want to be a more alpha male. In order to get alpha, you need to be beta. Stop doing anything! Sit back, relax, smile and smell good. Get into the chemistry zone. Go alpha in work and beta in your love life:
- Don’t plan dates
- Remember you’re the receiver and he’s the giver. Otherwise, you will get a feminine man.
Kris: Best advice?
Ask your exes what brought you together and what broke you up? Take your five top exes and do that. I recommend all men and women do this. We all need the referral and we all need “why” on the resume. When Donald Trump fires you, doesn’t he tell you why he fires you at the end? You should know why the relationship ended if you didn’t end it. When people cheat, there is always a why. Find out what the reason is.
Kris: I am so masculine by nature from being a business owner. How do I not bring up business and be more feminine on dates?
They have to bring up the subject of business. If they do bring it up, then say, “I am so tired from work, tell me about you.” He can’t get sexually stimulated when you are talking about business – you are not going into feminine zone with him. When he stays masculine, he’s at work, he’s in the board room. You can neutralize your sex if you work together too much.
Kris: What role does staying physically fit play in chemical attraction?
Everyone says to me, “Do I need to lose weight to get a guy?” I lost 25 pounds on Sense; curvy fit is important. You need to work out and when the working out happens, the serotonin starts to pop. When I lost 25 pounds on Sensa, I started feeling uber sexual. I think that revs up the feminine. Exercising, losing weight, buying pretty flirty dresses that make you feel sexy will never change.
Kris: Any advice for JDaters®?
If you see your soul mate is a shiksa, pick them. I am not all about Jews having to marry Jews. If you see the Asian hotty or blonde shiksa, go for it. Utilize them. It’s about finding your perfect match, not finding your perfect religious match.
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Stanger’s biggest tip for closing the deal in months 10-12 is to “let the rubber band stretch.” “Men need their down time and cave time,” says Stanger. At close to a year, it can often seem like you want your boyfriend to be your best friend, confidant, lover and partner in everything you do. This can scare a man away, and if you don’t each take personal down time then he will begin to think you are suffocating him.
I related to a lot of points in “Married in a Year,” and the tips are valuable whether you are looking for a long-term relationship or marriage. After all, time is our most valuable commodity, and what is the purpose of dating someone for over a year if you have different long-term goals? It is important to nail out these non-negotiables and compatibility differences early on, rather than waste three years of your life only to start the process all over again.
About the DVD: Patti Stanger: Married in a Year will be available February 1st. In addition, Stanger’s book, “Become Your Own Matchmaker,” will be reissued this January, highlighted by additional content.
One of the most important aspects I took away from this article are the non-negotiables. I think if women do not have these key points set in stone, it is a recipe for wasted time and effort. Being a young college student, my non-negotiables are quite simple: tall, college educated, no criminal record; however, as I am growing older I find my stipulations for men are shifting to be more helpful in finding a potential mate and future husband! Example: family oriented, wants children one day, high career aspirations. I love Patty and this article hits on great points that all women could take into consideration-
I find this article to extremely judgmental against “alpha females” – why try to change a person’s true nature, or claim that “alpha female/beta male” relationships are wrong? Women are perfectly capable of calling the shots or leading households. The rigid gender roles prescribed in this article should be a thing of the past.
agreed with Anon.
I am alpha person and also a beta, or gamma or whatever. I was engaged within 6 months by being myself and so was my husband who is like me alpha in some ways and in some ways is a zeta. we all are a little bit of everything. we were completely honest with each other on who exactly we were and thats why we fell in love and knew we were a match.
I find most of Patti’s advice shallow
Yeah, the alpha character.
A body can be nice, pleasant, soft-spoken, and still be the Alpha. My uncle is like that, and a woman I used to know socially. She was running a social organization/formal club without ever being the president or even nearing, but only taking on nominal volunteer propositions. Yet she was running the club, and it actually bloomed and flower under her leadership.
A body can also be counter-feminine, and a loser at the same time. I am arrogant, impatient, and lose my temper very quickly. It earned me so far 6 broken noses, two chipped teeth, an arrenst not resulting in charges laid, two arrests resulting in charges but no conviction, because I was so nasty in the county jail that the corporal policeman released me. “I CAN’T STAND IT ANY MORE”, he sreamed and opend the gate to the cell and asked me politely to please get the hell out of there and never show my face again, he begged me. The power of nast, and nagging. Schlechte hubris.
Patti is mostly right on her observations. I like her.
I’m female like Patti Stanger and just enjoy what she says. A lot of it is candid.
And if what you’re doing or who you’re wanting isn’t being successful, then Patti can refresh you on who is meant to be a spouse for you. She knows her stuff on qualities and attitude that makes a person spouse potential.
Great article
I think Millionaire Matchmaker is a great show and Patti is very smart and honest. I really think she is a genuine person. I wish Patti would use her own book advice “Married in 1 year” and get married. She would be such a great wife and mother!
i dont think patty is telling us to totally change.just let the men chase us.and why dont we deserve the spoiling?we as wolmen do everything.ive had 3 rong men.and in the marrage i took controll.maby its ok to be pampered.and i deserve to be earned not juat taken.i have to ay i get it.
Hi
Lol great article , was a really good read
thanks
I’m 33 now, and what I’ve noticed is that men LOVE LOVE LOVE the chase. It’s innate.
I genuinely am not interested in ever getting married, yet I’ve been proposed to three times, by successful, loving, genuinely good guys.
I am no bombshell – just a regular girl, have my own life and career.
Whether you choose to accept it or not, dating is a game of psychology. I made it clear to these men that I do not wish to get married, let’s just go with the flow, enjoy everyday as it comes, no pressure. And almost like clockwork, within 6-9 months a ring appeared, and totally blind-sided me.
They went from men that were also not caring about marriage or children, to men who said things like ‘I can see my children in your eyes’. I’m not kidding.
hello,
i had some questions about what is appropriate for meeting new potential women who are interested in marriage in Jewish culture. i have a feeling that i might be a little out of touch due to being a convert to Judaism and not having been raised in a Jewish community. I guess what i have been looking for is someone whom i can spiritually grow with, and who is possibly into Kabbalah, as that is a main passion of mine -it was what brought me to Judiasm. however i have been getting a sense that Kabbalah is considered a Neanderthal belief system. is this considered a turn off to women in the Jewish community? i am asking because i really have no idea.
shalom 🙂
thanks for taking the time to read
– Luke
She is right on – valuable information
Brutal honesty is what I love about this woman. She’s not asking anyone to change, but to have an action plan and make improvements if you want to find love and be married in a year. We can all use some kind of improvement, right? It’s true… what is the purpose of dating someone for over a year if you have different long-term goals?
Patti’s advice is shallow, judgemental, and to me clearly misses the mark of what love actually is. Her advice is appropriate for ChatRoutlette (next!) but not for human beings who love you.
Does she seriously recommend putting “flowers on my birthday” on your must-have list? Wouldn’t integrity and character be more worthwhile to mention?
In a word, Ugh.
Using Patti’s dating advice, you might be able to get married in a year. The downside is – you might be getting divorced in the following year.
I really don’t see the point of molding yourself into a different person in order to attract a mate. Why should a business woman try to craft herself into someone more “feminine” for the first several dates? Why not just be herself and find someone who loves that “masculine” part of her?
With all the available options to meet people these days and the millions of singles out there – all with a variety of preferences – I think the best bet (to get married AND stay married) is to be yourself and find someone who digs that.
Hey whats your idea on couples therapy? I had friends did that while dating. And no they did if tgeyare compatible. And year after , i would see them married. They would do it after three to four months. Whats your ideas on it ?
I’m an alpha female and I agree with Patti. Every woman wants to be taken care of and emotionally supported, even though they’re calling the shots. Playing the game in the beginning allows you to find someone who is capable of being there for you. If not, your man will be emasculated straight off the bat, and he won’t measure up to your expectations when you do need him to man up. Try to be the little woman in your relationship and the tigress at work. You’ll have the best of both worlds.
I respect this woman’s advice. Men (that most heterosexual women are attracted to) are what they are, and we women need to get with that program. They say they want or don’t mind a gutsy woman who takes the initiative and makes a move on them, they say they like a sexually empowered woman who ‘doesn’t play games’ and… will have sex with them by no later than the third date, but when they’re pursued by such a woman, they think of her as ‘ball-buster’ and ‘easy.’ So, to summarize, men rarely have a clue of what they want. Ideally, they want sex on tap, and beer and steak when they’re taking a break from the first indulgence. We women glorify them and expect too much from them, then get mad at them for failing our standards. Then WE end up being called naggy, pushy, annoying drama-queens.
But really, from the standpoint of romantic love, men are like little children. You cannot fault them, for they just don’t know any better. Yet. For all you moms out there for example, you know you would not yell at your 13 month old who just learned how to walk a couple months ago for knocking down the porcelain tea cup set while grabbing on for support. You’d take responsibility for the tea cup set, and you’d steer the little ‘waddler’ in a different direction. Same goes for all children (and men alike) who’ve never been taught by their previous women with low standards (or who had no interest in developing a relationship with them) to behave better. Standards must be communicated. Expectations must be adjusted. There is a difference, albeit presumably subtle.
Do NOT lower your standards. You deserve exactly what you believe you deserve out of a relationship. – do not abandon that premise, even in the wake of realizing your own short-comings. Fix the short-comings, but survive the dream. Believe in the power of love and commitment. Men will (have no choice but to) catch on. Alternatively, there is porn, chat roulette, strip-clubs and coming soon to a tablet near you, holographic lap dances. If that is their choice, respectfully let them have it without ever apologizing for being real and being you.
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Help me I want to be in love and married.
I don’t like Patti. How can someone who has not been able to “close the deal” give me or anyone else advice. I don’t like her rude, obnoxious mouth. She’s loud. She is more like a man than a woman. I don’t think she has helped anyone “close the deal”. At the end of every show, it almost always says the couple has never spoke to one another again. She talks about the clients and how rude and obnoxious they are, well, I find her obnoxious and offensive, mean and nasty. I can’t imagine any man would want her for anything. I bet her mouth never shuts, not even during sex.
I’m wondering if she is so intelligent, so smart about how to find love, how come she hasn’t found it yet. Her comment is that she can’t help anyone over 40/45. I’m pretty sure she is over 45 given that she is born in 1969 and hasn’t found love. Does that mean she can’t help herself because she is past the year to be helped. Why hasn’t she ever been married. If a millionaire is really a millionaire, I’m pretty sure they can find someone on their own. She is so loud, rude, obnoxious, mean and evil. I don’t like her at all.
p.s. She also made a comment she is pretty. I don’t think she is pretty. She has this funny mouth thing going on. Which if she was a nice, caring, person, I wouldn’t even notice. But, she really does have a terrible way about her and her flaws stand out because of it. Her mouth being one of them. If she has so much money, she needs to work on more than her extensions and loosing weight. Maybe some other surgeries on her face and classes in how to behave like a woman.
This is one of the most disturbing articles I have ever read. I have an MA in Psychology and the methods this article promotes not only will likely not work, they seem horribly psychologically depleting and they blatantly support several gender stereotype that most modern, independent women work to disprove. I hate to be blunt, but this seems like advice to becoming a gold-digging, self-obsessed, pretentious, co-dependent female. NO WONDER THIS WOMAN IS SINGLE!
The person who mentioned that she “attracted” men by not wanting to get married: I think you’re attracting losers, men who aren’t man enough to admit that they want marriage and kids, but who are addicted to the chase. Once a woman looks like she’s getting away, they try to make the grab. It’s all about self-preservation and an immature addiction to going after what they can’t have. The men you are attracting have issues that need to be resolved before they get married.
I think women who are single are too cerebral about dating and marriage. The idea of wondering if you’re “sending out the wrong vibes” makes no sense, unless it is in terms of your appearance. Men are not deep thinkers when it comes to liking a woman; they don’t give a fart about “vibes” (whatever those might be). Now if you’re dressing in a 5-inch-long miniskirt and a skimpy top, then you’ll definitely be sending out the wrong message. Otherwise, “vibes” have nothing to do with it.
Taking time off dating is good to some extent, but too much time off will lead to self-absorption and unrealistic ideas. You have to make an effort to get out there and meet real people, and adjust your standards that way. We learn about ourselves by interacting with others. Then we can see if we are “too much” or “too little” of something. Yes, “be real, be you,” but it’s not good to beat a man over the head with your personality during the first few dates. Hold things back, keep a sort of mystique. Reveal yourself gradually.
Patti’s advice won’t get anyone married if they don’t go out and meet people. And it can’t guarantee you’ll meet anyone you’re attracted to. Think less about yourself and more about the people you meet, and get out there and see what happens.
Good article. I definitely love this site. Thanks!