Okay, I’ll admit it – we men excel at messing up our romantic lives. This is why romantic songs and movies and Hallmark cards are so popular – among women. They bring women a world of Enrique and Antonio and Romeo, instead of the world of women’s unshaven, unemployed date asleep on the couch, in his underwear, snoring, drool dangling from his lips, a half-eaten bag of Cheetos spilled out onto the floor he’s never vacuumed. Of course, that’s generally the photo men fail to post on their JDate profile.

On dates, women like to be taken to fine restaurants, and sophisticated evenings of theater, or perhaps a British romantic film, followed by some insightful conversation, and then directly home, with perhaps some casual, witty flirting at the door before saying good night.

A man’s fantasy date? A triple Wham-Bam Burger at a Hooters restaurant, the latest superhero movie, and then having at each other like wild monkeys at the Sin-Sational Motor Lodge, featuring heated, revolving water beds. Or so I’ve heard.

Men use cologne when they start dating. This gives women the mistaken impression that their man naturally smells like an exotic rain forest or tropical island breeze, and will always smell that way. Is it any wonder, then, that problems arise later, when the man feels he’s got the woman and no longer needs the cologne? For now his natural aroma is a mixture of beer, tobacco, the dog, and last night’s burrito.

Once sex has occurred, women expect their dates to cuddle. Cuddling and talking is bearable for maybe the first minute and a half afterwards. Beyond that, centuries of male genetics kick in, so that even while the woman may be talking about her feelings about how you are different from any other men she’s ever known, the man’s brain is filled only with images of having a pizza while watching football – something with absolutely no cuddling and talking after sex.

Men believe that God wouldn’t have given them the ability to make gross noises with their various body parts, if He didn’t want them to do so. Okay, let’s, just for the sake of argument, say this is true. Nonetheless, it nauseates women. Yes, even if you say “Excuse me” afterwards. Or swear the dog did it.  Women never believe that, and the dog ends up resenting you.

Women feel they don’t have to inform their men why they’re upset; men should just know. The odds are really against this one working, simply because men make so many mistakes all day long, that to have to guess which of them is ticking their woman off, would not only be time-consuming, but sheer luck.

Should the date evolve into a marriage, men expect women to earn a living, take care of the house, raise the kids, and be eager for sex every night. And what do men do in return? Once every three weeks, they’re asked to open the lid of a jar. After doing so, they get this look on their faces, as if to say, “What would you do without me, babe?”

Finally, women expect men to say, “I love you.” This one is not a mistake. Women need to hear it. And men need to say it a lot more often – even if it means shouting it from the other room, while they are finishing their pizza. Hey, it’s the thought.

Mark Miller is a marketing specialist, Facebook fanatic and comedy writer who has performed stand-up comedy in nightclubs and on TV, written on numerous sit-com staffs, been a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate and is a current humor columnist for The Huffington Post. But he says he’d trade all his success away in a minute for immortality, inner peace and limitless wealth.
  1. An insightful and perceptive commentary on how men relate to women and women to men. Wonderful column and amusing.

  2. Uggg. Me man. Me eat pizza while watch football…..snore.

  3. Mark,

    Hope that you forward this article to all men on JDate.
    Where were you when I was married? My ex thought this behavior was normal and expected. 🙂

  4. Was it the poorly roasted coffee beans that caused you to have 175 meetings with women????????

  5. M&M’s

    Great article really funny…I love the smell of a freshly showered man or cologne…saved a sock from one guy I went with for years…because it smelt of his cologne…I often remark about the cologne, when a man is standing near me, even if I don’t know him. Not all of them are that bad though. With my first husband I’m not sure I ever said I loved him? Though it was a long time ago, but I do remember asking him how much he loved me all the time, and would make him tell me all the different ways he did (lol). And the gross you out stuff, can’t be done too soon in the relationship, or it’s over.(lol)


  6. OMG, no, NO! BAD man! NO PIZZA!!! And you get off Mommy’s fancy sofa right this minute!!!

    Seriously, dude. Where were you when it was time to register for that Gender Studies elective??? I’d like to think we have ( all of us) come a little ways since the days of Lucy and Ricky. Farting? Football? Cheetos??? You got some
    esplainin’ to do, Man.



  7. This is nothing more than a guy getting mileage with women by perpetuating a rather nasty, prejudiced portrait of men. That women lap it up reveals more about them than the men he’s portraying. Shame on you.

    For those who insist I lighten up, I can be as humorous as some of the funniest comedians, but the perpetuation of a universally-accepted male stereotype becomes radically heinous if you supplant the word “men/man/male” with any racial or ethnic group. Part of being an adult is accepting, tolerating and comprehending the differences of others, irrespective of their sex, religious beliefs, ethnic and racial characteristics.

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