Dear Dr. Rodman,
I’ve been seeing someone; we’ve met up three times and we’ve had sex. He is very affectionate when I’ve seen him and has told me he wants to see me more often and see how things go. He’s 36 and I get the impression he is used to having his own space and time. He likes to drink on the weekends, and drinks the majority of it. It doesn’t bother me that he drinks so much as he’s single. He told me he gets attached easily, but also likes his own company and tries his best not to get too close, too soon. He’s told me he likes me and wants to see me more, but some weekends I don’t hear from him at all. It was his birthday last weekend. I saw him on Friday, but didn’t hear from him again till Monday (his birthday was Sunday, so he was out all Saturday and Sunday).
Anyway he’s been texting all week, saying he’s missing me and wishes I was cuddling with him, etc. But, last week, he was fighting drunk and lost his front tooth, so he doesn’t want to see me till he gets it sorted. He said he was worried about not seeing me in case I thought he was seeing someone else or stringing me along, because he isn’t. But, he wouldn’t get his tooth fixed till Tuesday of next week. That’s all fine and merry. But, once again, the weekend is here and I’ve not even had a text. It’s cool he doesn’t want to see me with a missing tooth, but why not text? I don’t know what to think. I like him quite a bit, but am just a bit confused. It seems strange to tell someone you miss them, and then not contact them all weekend. It makes me think he’s just saying things to keep me keen… any advice?
-Mixed Signals
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Dear Mixed Signals,
I certainly see why you’re confused. He says one thing and does another. Unfortunately, there is no good way to interpret this behavior. All it really means is one thing, or rather two: he is unreliable and unpredictable. I’m unclear on whether you want a long-term relationship with this guy or a casual fling. If it’s the latter, then he’s your guy. But if you want a serious relationship, then your new man is basically holding up one red flag after another and waving them in your face.
Let’s think about what we know about him just from the brief letter you wrote me:
- He gets into violent bar fights when drunk. This is a major red flag and indicates anger and impulsivity issues.
- He drinks all weekend long. You say you don’t mind because he’s single, but why and how would he stop when in a relationship? His lifestyle is built around weekends getting wasted. This isn’t a guy who is ready for a serious relationship. He sounds more like a frat guy.
- He says one thing and does another. You’re right, if someone says they miss you, they ought to want to hang out. And he doesn’t consistently want to hang out. So we can conclude that either he doesn’t know his own mind, or is lying to keep you keen, as you say (I love British slang). Neither one is what you want in a potential partner.
- You’re obviously right about the tooth thing. He doesn’t text with his teeth so there is no reason for him to have stopped all contact due to the missing tooth. It is likelier that he was drunk and hanging out with his friends all weekend, and just didn’t think about your feelings at all.
The good news? JDate has loads of guys for you that aren’t getting drunk all weekend and leaving you hanging without even a text. They also will not need expensive dental work to repair broken teeth that keep getting knocked out in bar fights. Please consider trying to find one of them and letting this guy go.
Good luck! And I welcome all other questions about dating, to be honestly answered by yours truly, The Straight Talking Blogapist.
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