Dear Matchmaker Rabbi:
Some months ago, I had a first date, and it started out really well. We relaxed over a few drinks and after a little time, he told me he felt comfortable with me and that he could tell me anything. He then proceeded to say that his mother had died from cancer, but that while she was sick, she wanted to take control of her pain and so she became a dominatrix! Since my date was an aspiring filmmaker, he filmed her in a movie being a dominatrix with her boyfriend and even released it.
My gut reaction to the whole thing was that it was just too weird. I know you can’t change what your parents do, but you can choose not to film it! But I did really connect with the guy and one of my girlfriends thinks that I should admire the fact he was so supportive of his mother. Should I go out on another date with him?
— Hard to Believe But True
Dear Hard to Believe:
I couldn’t agree with you more. You can’t control what your parents do, but you don’t have to film what they do! This guy shows some pretty serious lack of boundaries. No child, no matter the age, should ever witness their own parent in a sexual act.
Whether the mother felt that acting out a dominatrix role would help her cope with her illness was her business, and it should have stayed her business. In my view, she shouldn’t have even been discussing it with her son, let alone letting him documenting the event in a movie. You did the right thing by walking away!
— The Matchmaker Rabbi
Joysa Winter, aka The Matchmaker Rabbi, knows all about how hard it is to find lasting love. It took her 17 years to find Mr. Not Wrong! In that time, she tried just about every singles site, dating club and Matzah Ball known to humanity. Now in her fourth year of rabbinical school and the mother of 1.5 kids, nothing brings her greater joy than officiating a wedding. She is finishing a book on her dating adventures called Chasing Cupid, Tales of Dating Disaster in Jewish Suburbia. You can follow her on Twitter at @wanderinghebrew.
I think there are alot of gray areas when it comes to dealing with dying relatives. I don’t think the stuffy rabbi response is the right one. Film makers film thingd, unless she has an interest in only going out with rabbis, she should give this fellow a try, Loom to see if he does other things that seem strnge and if not, proceed!
If he needed to get this off his chest, talking to a friend would make more sense. Why do you suppose he’d discuss it on a first date?
“Should I go out on another date with him?”
You have to ask?
Okay, then. The answer is simple: No, unless you have burning desire to be in one of his creepy films.