Dear Matchmaker Rabbi:

I’m a very confused woman, 53 years old. I was married 19 years, have two adult daughters, a good job and a good salary; I’ve had three longtime relationships since my marriage ended. I’m very active, intelligent, interesting, not bad looking … and stacked. And I’ve had absolutely no one respond to me on JDate. I’m not a blond and Russian, are these the reasons (lol)?

Maybe you can recommend me a book on online dating, how to present myself, write a profile, what pictures to post? Is it true that men don’t read profiles and are only looking at pics? Should I post the picture in a blonde wig?

– Confused Oceanlover

Dear Confused Oceanlover:

As a brunette myself, I can assure you that most men are not necessarily looking for “blondes.” But presenting the best possible portrait of yourself in your profile is important, because it is true that people of both genders make snap judgments based on people’s pictures.

You should include three photos of yourself, which are recent, not blurry or hard to see, and show both your face close up, as well as your larger figure or body. Ideally, pick photos where you are smiling, and look happy and engaged. If your profile talks about how much you love hiking, for example, include a picture of you hiking! If you have a love for fine foods, maybe you can get a picture of yourself with your daughters at a nice restaurant.

Look at your photos as a way to communicate positive things about yourself – things like the fact you have loving family and friends, and that you are engaged in the world around you, etc. If you don’t have any pictures that do this, get your camera and a girlfriend and find a way to make some! Fortunately, in this age of digital photography, getting good post-able photos is easy to do.

As for the content of your profile, try to be thoughtful but brief; answer questions directly without rambling and have a friend check your profile for spelling and grammatical errors. If your profile seems half-hearted because it is just thrown together or poorly constructed, men may make that inference about you.

Ask one of your friends (and ideally a guy friend) to read your profile and say how you are coming off to others. Sometimes having a fresh set of eyes like this can help point out places where you are maybe projecting something negative without even realizing it. Also, your friends know you best, so they would know whether you are bringing out your best qualities.

Good luck!

— The Matchmaker Rabbi

To ask The Matchmaker Rabbi a question, please email

Joysa Winter, aka The Matchmaker Rabbi, knows all about how hard it is to find lasting love. It took her 17 years to find Mr. Not Wrong! In that time, she tried just about every singles site, dating club and Matzah Ball known to humanity. Now in her fourth year of rabbinical school and the mother of 1.5 kids, nothing brings her greater joy than officiating a wedding. She is finishing a book on her dating adventures called Chasing Cupid, Tales of Dating Disaster in Jewish Suburbia. You can follow her on Twitter at @wanderinghebrew.

  1. I’m lol, ‘cuz I never heard a woman describe herself as “stacked.” My guess is that you’re not really doing anything wrong, though attractive inviting, friendly professional pictures can help raise attention. I know we all want to think that beauty is only skin deep and that we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but the way a woman looks will make or break a guy’s decision to contact or not. It’s just a fact. Get in a 2-piece bathing suit if you want attention. It beats wearing a meat suit like Lady Stephanie Gaga, don’t it?

    Most likely, the geography you are in has a limited dating pool. I think JDate might work far better in NYC than anywhere else.

    Perhaps your requirements — especially age requirements — are too limited? Men typically want women no older than themselves, and often younger.

    I don’t know why any woman wants a man anyway. There might be more satisfaction in learning to be a cougar and just playing around.

  2. Good article. When 100 men look and only 4 respond, that’s not good. I’m not crazy abt my pic, I was at the Sphinx in Egypt.
    When I looked at it critically it’s a face with dryskin and sunglasses on a construction site,it was cropped. I did enclude extras like on a camel etc. Im a new widow, in the mtns for the summer, I have no friends and just kinda wanted a companion to dine or movie with.
    This my first try at this, Im honest. I’m a NY’er and should be open but I am also cautious.
    Maybe I should put that in my profile, dinner or a movie?

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