The other day, I checked out some profiles of some real dogs. As in the type that like to kiss you before getting to know you. I’m talking about the many women whose pics feature their adorable pooches.

Since when do dogs need Jdate to get action? Why do you think one dog year equals seven human ones? They’re out there having seven times more fun than we’re having! Okay, I’m having. I can’t just go out and start sniffing around somebody to let them know I’m interested in a dalliance. I have to be subtler. I need to make money.

You don’t see my mug horning in on canine dating sites, do you? They all write the same thing: “I don’t bite.” Real original. What do the dogs who aren’t attracted to the dogs there call them, humans?

Look, I’m a dog lover from way back. I grew up with dogs. I don’t mean to sound bitter. It’s just that… I need some petting too!