I’ve never understood people with pets. I love dogs. I’ve always had a dog. Not the same dog. Well I mean the same dog for a while. Until the dog got old, or got hit by a car, or got old and got hit by a car. No matter how many times I told that damn dog to look both ways, he almost never did because, as I would later learn, cognitive development is much different in a dog than in a person. When I was young I tried to teach my dog to understand simple phrases like, ‘Please stop pooping on my face’, to which the dog replied by walking into my room and defecating on my face. I later learned that not only did my dog understand none of what I was telling him, but I was actually encouraging this behavior by feeding her and then immediately laying on my back on the floor of my room.

Dogs are stupid, and when I say I don’t understand people with pets, I mean that I don’t understand people who dictate their lives by the whims and misconceived emotional nuances of pets. I’m all for letting my dog outside to use the bathroom. I’ll even feed my dog once every week or so to reward her for good behavior. Anything beyond that is ridiculous and pointless. Dogs can’t understand anything you will or have ever said to them outside of a few key words like ‘eat’, ‘walk’, and if they’re smart, which they’re not, because they’re dogs, ‘don’t poop on my face’. Anything else you have or ever will say to a dog will go over their tiny stupid dog heads. Don’t ask them questions. This is especially true if you are in the company of other people. The dog will not respond to you, and you will look stupid, because you just asked a dog a verbal question, and the dog just stared at you and shat on your carpet. Don’t pretend you know how a dog is feeling if that feeling is anything other than hungry, horny, or sleepy. This is what human interaction is for.

Cat people are even worse. I’m not saying I won’t date a cat person. I’ll date anybody. I think I need to clarify that by ‘cat people’ I mean people that really like cats and not people that are victims of genetic experiments that successfully breed felines and women. I just don’t understand them. If you’re looking for companionship, a cat is the last place you should look. I have a clock on my desk at home, and my relationship with that clock is so much more intimate, meaningful, and beautiful than anybody’s relationship with a cat will ever be. Cats are antisocial and usually unresponsive. It would seem like if you are depressed, and you decided to adopt a cat, you would be dead within two weeks. If cats were people, they wouldn’t be, because even the worst people in the world turn their heads and look at you when you say their name.

I realize that by writing this post, I’ve officially closed the lid on my chances for any remaining women to like me. I’m a really good person. I’m just out of topics, and when trying to think of something to write about, I turned around, and my cat was glaring at me, and I knew this must be written.