No matter how bad your day was, your future depends on how happy you look. If you got fired thirty minutes ago, you better be the happiest person on the planet before you get to the solidarity of your room. At any moment, you could unknowingly meet the love of your life, and she won’t be if she sees you as some strange man crying in line at Subway®, spilling his guts about how he will die alone to the kindly elderly woman in front of him who, without regard for decency, ordered ten sandwiches.

You want to be that guy, laughing and joking around with the kindly elderly woman in front of him. Be sure you offer to spend the roughly $1000 for her ten sandwiches because she forgot to bring cash and her checkbook is dated ‘1973’. Do you think that I’m making up this old lady? I can promise you that this woman is at the Subway by my house every evening at six, and she always gets ten sandwiches. I incorporate real people into my work. I’m like Jack Dawson.

Basically, my lesson here is that being happy is not enough. You have to be nice. To old people.

Really, all you have to do is smile all of the time and constantly buy old people things. Did I just figure out the key to making women fall in love with you? I will let you know in exactly one week at my wedding reception. Also, ladies, did you like my Titanic reference?