Dear Tamar,
So I follow your advice and I am poly-dating! Last week I went on a second date with a guy I met on JDate and it went great! Then over the weekend I went on a second date with another guy from JDate and WHOOPS… we ran smack into my other date (who was not a date).
I tried really hard not to make it awkward, and even introduced the two before excusing myself and that night’s date politely. It was easy enough to tell the guy who I was on a date with that it was just a friend we ran into, but the other guy knew better and I haven’t spoken to him yet. Obviously after just two dates I’m not in an exclusive relationship with either guy, but I also don’t have stronger feelings for one over the other because I barely know either. Now what do I do?
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Dear JDate Poly-dater,
You said it yourself — it’s just the second date with each guy and you don’t owe either of them anything. That said, it would be best to address what happened and be straight forward with the first guy. Call him and just say, “Hey, that was kinda awkward!” Then ask him if it bothers him and see what he says.
He may understand that it’s early on, and not a big deal, and he may also be poly-dating himself. Or he may want to know if there are feelings on either side and how long you plan on seeing other people. Obviously you don’t need to divulge too much, but you can simply explain that you are looking for things to get serious with one person and that you don’t want to rush it.
He may not want to date you anymore. If so, it’s not personal. Even people who are okay with the idea of poly-dating can’t handle when it’s staring them in the face.
I agree with Tamar. After a second date, you’re not exclusive yet. The key to it is being polite.
I dated a lot when I was single. In fact I was out on about 400 first dates over a 12 year period before I was finally lucky enough to find the woman that was right for me (and yes, I married her).
I usually knew on the first date if I had any interest in seeing them again. I usually trusted my gut and didn’t go out a second time if I was that unsure. However, once I went out with a woman three times, I considered that a decision point. Instead of confusing things by continuing to meet new people, I would just focus on that one woman giving it the best possible chance of success or allow it to fail faster. Either way, at that point I would feel that adding other people into the mix would just confuse things.
As for running into people you’ve already been out with … wait until you bump into the same people while you’re doing speed dating, or even odder, when you see them on Linkedin.