Let me start off by asking what DO you want when it comes to dating, relationships and sex? Do you actually know what that is? I don’t mean just in a general two­-sentence kind of way. I mean detailed and extensive.

There is nothing wrong with having a clear idea of what you want, aka “The List.” The problem comes from having expectations and being stuck to them.

We often go into a relationship and are either unclear of what it is we are looking for, or are not radically honest with ourselves as to what we want. No wonder there are so many frustrated and fed up single folks out there. If you don’t know exactly what you want, you will never know how to spot it when it actually shows up.

This lack of clarity can also lead to a lot of disappointment when you are finally in a relationship. How can you have your needs and wants met if you do not actually know what those needs and wants actually are? One sure-fire way to avoid that kind of unnecessary suffering during the dating and relationship process is to create your ideal relationship statement, aka your personal “Love Wish List.”

Think of the car phenomenon. When you start thinking of buying a certain automobile, as if like magic, it starts appearing everywhere, right? Popping up at times and in places you may never have expected. Nothing supernatural about the process though. They have been all around you all along. You are simply on the lookout for it now.

Same goes for love. The clearer you are with what you are looking for, the more you will attract (aka see) that in your life. Besides, the role that this person will have in your life is an important one (whether on a casual basis or not). You would not hire just anybody for a position if you had an opening in your business, right? So, be prepared and do not settle. When you think of a master of attraction, do you envision them going for just ol’ anybody? NO! And neither should you!

Your time is valuable. YOU are valuable. Stop giving yourself, your time, and your energy away to people that have not earned it and/or will not appreciate it. In addition, do not waste your time with people who won’t reciprocate your generosity, kindness and affection in turn. People only treat you as you allow them to – good or bad!

In order to get you clear and in the know, here is an exercise to help you begin to create your own love wish list:

1. First off, envision your ideal relationship. Take the time and dream. Imagine what it would be like to have the love of your life in front of you. Picture it as it is first starting to bloom. Fast forward to five, maybe ten years out. Paint that vision with as much detail as you can.

2. Then ask yourself the following questions and write out the answers so you can use them regularly as a reference:

A. When it comes to your ideal partner, how would you describe this person? What are they like? What are their characteristics? What do they value? What are their likes and dislikes? What is it like to be around them? Write out how you want to FEEL when you are with your partner.

B. When it comes to your ideal relationship, what are the dynamics of the actual relationship? What is the relationship itself like? What are some things you do together, activities, etc.? What is the communication like? What is your sex life like?

Just as you created statements for your ideal partner and your ideal romantic relationship, it is time to create a statement for the most important relationship in your life… the one with yourself! When it comes to your ideal self, how do you want to show up in not only your next relationship, but with everyone? Think about what makes you awesome. How would you describe your best self?

I hope this exercise helps you attract the love you want. I know it is possible. I have seen it happen many times over. Have fun creating your list and good luck on your search!

Natalie Vartanian, CPCC, ACC, is a certified life coach, talented writer, speaker, workshop facilitator and an expert when it comes to sex and relationships. To help you get clear on your wants and needs, she is holding several Love Wish List teleclasses during the month of August. You will learn to look at your past relationships to extract the learning from it, and then discover how to dream about your ideal relationship yet to come. These classes are on a “pay what you think it is worth” basis. Natalie believes in the power of this process so much that she wants everyone to be able to experience it!
  1. Yes, I am very lonely since I lost my wife after a 53 year very loving, happy and close marriage.

    I thing the cure for loneliness is to have some one to hug and be hugged, some one to sit with and lean against (me) each other watch a movie, listen to music or talk. Go for a walk holding hands. It is important to provide security for each other.

    Sleeping together is nice. Have sex is very nice. Cuddling on a fake fur rug in front of a fire place under a blanket with no clothe is nice but it can wait.


  2. Mture male all alone after marriage seperation would like to find a nice lady to spend my life with and help me settle in the south island were I have jut moved to to kick start my life again now I am lone.

  3. I am 62 and never married. I am male. I contact many women online. I don’t look like Brad Pitt but I’m not the Hunchback of Notre Dame . I’d say on a scale of 1 to 10 I’m a 5 1/2. I am not a professional but own my own home and have no debts. My concern is when the women read i have not been married they want nothing to do with me. Won’t most of them even meet me or write me back. I have no time machine so I can’t change my past. I tell the women my unmarried not divorced status to get it out of the way. I want to meet someone but I feel there is no point waiting to tell women later about my status as I know how important it is to them. Perhaps they feel I can’t make a commitment or I don’t know how to compromise ( I have been in relationships just not marriages) within a couple. Or they basically feel if other women didn’t want to be with me why would they. Very hard to overcome this. How do I put the best light on my situation. Or do you feel my problems stem from some other reason. I’ve spoken to women including my sisters and they confess it IS a deal breaker for them and their friends. HELP.

  4. Hi David,
    I don’t want to sound like a cliche, but you need to stay positive. Don’t assume women turn you down cause you’ve never been married. You are just putting up an immovable road block. Not every woman is ready for a relationship or knows what she wants. In other words, if she turns you down, don’t take it personally. She may not be ready for a relationship. And what is a deal breaker for some, is a real plus for others. Never being married means you can tell women and even add to your dating profile that you are “looking for the love of your life, the one and only….whom you cherish forever”. To many this will sound incredibly romantic! You will become someone whom women will want to meet and date. Whom ever you marry, will be your first, not your second, third wife. No ex- wives, no alimony, no child support, no I’m broke cause all my assets were lost in the settlement. No you should have seen my mansion before my ex’s lawyer made me sell it to divide my assets …you get the picture? And having a positive attitude (even if its written in a dating profile) is an incredibly attractive quality. Reflects good self esteem. Good luck, and stay positive.

  5. My situation is similar to David’s; the exception being that I was married for 3½ years but the marriage never was consummated. The fault was mine primarily, as my then-wife and I argued constantly so we went to bed angry every day of our marriage. I was extremely shy until my mid-40s, and at the time of my marriage I had low self-esteem. Now, at age 67, I find that when a relationship may progress to the point of intimacy and women discover that “I don’t know how,” they seem convinced that I’m gay (no criticism of same-sex relationships intended) whereas I know that I’m straight. I am socially immature for my age (I feel as if I’m about 15), and it is apparent. I have several platonic women friends who have verified this and offered helpful advice — which, of course, I forget usually.

    Ironically but favorably, I’m still very good platonic friends with my ex-wife, who is an admirable woman. I owe her significant thanks for teaching me how to dress properly (e.g., an orange shirt, chartreuse slacks, pink vest, and polka-dot tie are not recommended).

    Cheryl is correct exactly regarding a positive attitude, which I do have. In the past year I’ve lost significant weight, so no longer am I diabetic — I’m in better health than I “should” be. Excluding my inability to find a mutually meaningful relationship, I consider myself to be one of the most fortunate people alive today. Much of my time I use to assist friends who have significant problems and I’m an active member of my synagogue (no unmarried women in my age group; they’re all younger or much older than I).

    I’m not dead yet; therefore, other than the aforementioned, I have no actual complaints!

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