Recently at the Bellizzi Westchester Blogger Private Tasting, I made the acquaintance of Stacy Geisinger, the infamous blogger for StacyKnows. Stacy told me I was on her “radar” and she had read my interview with Jill Zarin in her Facebook® newsfeed that day and also received the invite on the matchmaking event “Become a Mega-Successful Matchmaker & Dating Coach: A Mini-MBA for the Love Business” I will be speaking at with Rachel Greenwald. This got us started on a fascinating conversation about our perspectives on dating today and the many ways men can ignore you or stay in touch with you!

Kris: How has dating changed due to social media?

Stacy: When I was dating many years ago things were much simpler! You gave a guy your number and either he called or he didn’t call.  You would check your answering machine and you would know if he had contacted you or not.  If you were out, and you could remember the code, you might call your answering machine to see if someone called from a pay phone.

Today, things have completely changed. There is no longer one way to get in touch with a potential date- there are now dozens of ways to contact someone due to the rise of social media. Therefore, there are dozens of ways to ignore your date as well.  However, there is something still attractive about the person that doesn’t call.

Many beautiful women often ask me why a guy did not contact them after their date. They think if he did not call, that maybe he will reach out in 20 different ways online and stay glued to their devices.

However, no matter how hard you try, there is still no way to attractively “dangle” yourself in front of someone to get them to contact you.

Because of the Internet, there are also so many ways not to be ignored today! If a guy wants to call you but lost your number, he can still:

  • Text you
  • Call your cell
  • Call your apartment line
  • Call your office line
  • IM you
  • Skype you-Nothing like clicking on the icon and it says- “No new conversations”
  • IM you on Gchat
  • MSN Chat
  • Mention your Twitter™ handle in a Tweet™
  • Direct Message you on Twitter
  • Comment on your blog to show he is engaged
  • BBM – Ask you for your pin
  • Write on your Facebook wall
  • Send you a Facebook message
  • Initiate a Facebook chat

Kris: From your perspective, you may be thinking…

  • You have just checked in on Foursquare…I know you are around the corner!
  • I know when your status changes from red to green online.
  • Did I mention I can tell if you have read my BBM’s?
  • I know if you are logged into Facebook.
  • How taxing is it to send a simple smiley face?
  • I see you have been tagged in new photos since our last date…
  • Clearly you are alive if you are writing on your ex’s wall.
  • LinkedIn®- Maybe you don’t want to date me, but could you at least recommend me?
  • Friendfeed- If you aren’t doing any of the above I guess we aren’t “friends.”
  • Social Oomph- I am wondering if you have any!
  • Maybe you’re my friend on Facebook, but how come you are not a fan of my company page?
  • I have written five new blogs posts since our last date, so don’t ask me “How I am doing” until you have read them.

Stacy: Ladies- if he is interested in you, he will find you. And if he is ignoring you, he will ignore you via 20 different platforms.  Sometimes, the best thing to do is to detox from all the platforms and let him chase you.

There is nothing more attractive than the mysterious girl! Social media has made it a little more challenging to be as mysterious because people can keep tabs on you in real time.  Men like the chase, whether it’s through the Internet or cell phones. He knows where to find you and if he wants to hunt you down, he will.

*Facebook is a registered trademark of Facebook, Inc.

*Twitter and Tweet are trademarks of Twitter, Inc.

*LinkedIn is a registered trademark of LinkedIn Corporation

About the Author
Kristen Ruby is the President & Founder of Ruby Media Group, a Social Media Marketing, Public Relations & Personal Branding Agency. Follow Kris on Twitter @sparklingruby or via her blog.

  1. I’m exhausted just reading about the possibilities today (mercifully happily married). And your (excellent) question of how do you maintain any mystery at all when we’re all so trackable? Maybe the most valuable skill of the era is figuring out how to cultivate ‘trust’ by being ‘transparent’ and ‘honest’ while maintaining some kind of privacy. Requires self-esteem and Boundaries.

  2. This was just what I needed to hear. Thank you so much for articulating this so well. One must be honest and transparent and yet maintain privacy and mystery. Self Esteem and boundaries are necessary always no matter if you are living in the era of Thomas Eddison or skype.

  3. Listen up:

    Not all men like the chase.

    If you are interested in a guy and he hasn’t called you: CALL HIM.

    Stop being so shy, and quit playing all these games.

  4. Having so many ways to communicate with a person your “dating” only gives more reasons to become upset because you know there are tons of way the other person can contact you. It’s interesting that people share their entire life with strangers, such as on Facebook and Twitter, but why have these forms of social media become the basis for communication? I constantly hear stories about my parents and how they met and communicated with one another while dating and dating has changed dramatically, especially within the last few years. There is no mystery in dating anymore. If I went on a date with a guy and he wasn’t calling, I could immediately look on Facebook and see his every move and what he’s been up to and create my own reasons why he is not calling. But in fact, something just may have come up that I just don’t know about only making myself more upset than I need to be. I have had experience with being “ignored” in the past but when someone isn’t responding to your BBM or answering you on your Facebook message (when you know he has logged on) just think about what COULD be happening. Maybe he left his phone somewhere? Or maybe his best friend signed on his Facebook page for a quick sec. Hey, you never know!

  5. Kristen – Always interested in a woman’s perspective. Thank you.

    But, you start paragraph 5 with the statement, “Many beautiful women often ask me why…” Do you imply that women who are not beautiful don’t ask. Or — crueler — non-beautiful women don’t have to ask. Or — more liberal — all women are beautiful and, therefore, “Beautiful women” is a conflation, perhaps even redundant.

    I’m a philogynist in the kindest sense of the word. I enjoy being with women and usually find myself at gatherings standing with the women and chatting rather than men, primarily because I don’t follow sports.

    However, there is a difference between the quality of beauty and that of attractive — the former being a passive trait, largely defined by societal norms and marketing media, and the latter being the ability to evoke the desire in another person for one’s company. G-d’s unfair joke on humanity is that beauty can be assessed at a distance, while attractiveness requires one to get up close and personal.

    It is possible for a beautiful woman to be not attractive once a man gets to know here, i.e., at the conclusion of that first date. Sic, he does not call.

    If he is an honorable man, he will suppress the urge to bed her anyway, and move on instead. And, yes, he should call and tell her that. I’d like to see an article from you discussing how a guy does that without coming off as a complete ass.

    Just one man’s thoughts. Thanks again.

  6. This is an interesting article. I think the “why didn’t he call” question falls under a subset of a bigger subject of the “first (second) date follow-up etiquette”.

    From my own experience I can say that after a date I usually try to be the first one to follow-up with the guy. This takes care of a number of things. First, since I am in charge of the situation, there is no nerve-racking waiting game for me. Second, the guy is aware of my position. And third, based on his response, I’ll be aware of his position. As women, we shouldn’t sit and wait to be picked or rejected; we should be in charge of our lives.

    Two recent examples. Last week I had two dates with two different guys.

    The first guy was very interested in me and during the date was already proposing a second date for the following day. Unfortunately, I didn’t share his enthusiasm and had no interest in seeing him again. When I got home, I e-mailed him that he is a very nice guy and a great catch, but not the type of person I am looking for and I wished him good luck. He took it (almost) well, and said that I wasn’t his type either 😉 Case closed.

    I liked the second guy much better, but I had some reservations about him based on what he and I were talking about. I decided that he is a “maybe” and if he asks, I’ll probably go on a second date with him, just to clarify my suspicions. When I got home I e-mailed him saying that I had a good time, and if he wants to he can reach me at my private e-mail address or call me. I haven’t heard from him again. Case closed.

    None of this dates landed me my Mr. Right, but due to my proactive follow-up approach, I was very clear on where I and my dates stand – the first one “yes” for him, “no” for me and the second one “no” for him, “maybe” for me. No waiting around, no worries.

    My approach might not fit well into the chasing game, but since I am not into playing games, it works well for me 🙂

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