Jewish dads are known to impart their wisdom frequently. The world wouldn’t be a better place without your Jewish dad reminding you ad nausem about well, mostly everything. And if your Jewish dad only tells you something once, check his forehead because most likely he’s actually sick, and not sick from worry or his own hypochondriasis, but literally physically ill!
- “It’s a Tumor”
You think you have an innocent little mole or freckle on your arm, leg, or other body part but your Jewish dad knows better. He knows it’s a tumor and most likely cancerous, so you better see the doctor today. Pronto!
You’re an adult and don’t have to live with him to hear these things anymore? No problem! He will call, text, and email to ask when you are seeing the doctor again. If he’s a real “pro” he may even WebMD stuff and email it right to you. You go to the damn doctor simply so he will stop bothering you until the next “concern” comes up again.
- “I’m Sick”
When your Jewish dad says he’s not feeling well, it’s really code for “ I have heartburn again.”
If your Jewish dad says he’s: under the weather, not well, feeling sick, ill, needs to lie down, and or other phrases regarding illness…
He has heartburn.
Prilosec. Zantac. Prevacid. Tums. Pepcid AC. Pepto Bismol.
You know all of these medications, the doses, and the advantages/disadvantages to each one. Why? Because you’ve got a Jewish dad!
- “The Test Results Are In!”
When you have a Jewish dad and he needs medical tests, G-d help you! He will get his test results and even if they’re gold star radiantly healthy, somehow he will find the one small thing the doctor said that could potentially be skewed as bad and fixate on that for the next ten years. Every time you say, “I am so glad the tests came out okay,” your Jewish dad will hem and haw that “Well the doctor did say that…” and you won’t hear the end of it. Ever.
I’m willing to bet you’re still hearing about that non-issue issue from your Jewish dad’s colonoscopy from 1992…
- Colonoscopy: the Jewish Father Must Have!
If you have a Jewish dad, he’s had at least one colonoscopy, but most likely two. He will tell you about his prep and you may end up running to the store to get him more chicken bouillon and Gatorade.
You wouldn’t want him to get too vaklempt now, would you?
Bonus points if you’ve driven your Jewish dad to his colonoscopy!
- He Loves Your Doctor/Medical Field Friends
It’s not only that your Jewish dad would love for you to be or at the very least, marry a doctor, but that he loves your friends in the medical field, particularly, the ones with the two letters “M.D.” after the name.
Don’t be surprised when your Jewish dad corners your one doctor friend at your kid’s birthday party to ask about his back pain or the slight tickle in his throat. Be surprised if your Jewish dad DOESN’T corner the doctor friend for at least twenty minutes, thirty if he’s a real devout hypochondriac, ten if he’s trying to break the habit.
- “I Hope So”
When your Jewish dad is actually sick and you tell him he will be okay his words are always, “I hope so,” even if it’s something as benign as a cold.
“I hope so,” they say.
You think: “It’s a cold. Millions before you have survived and millions more after.”
No matter whether your Jewish dad is a hypochondriac to a T or just an ample worrier, you can be sure to look forward to inheriting this same problem when you hit, at the very least, 30; and then attempting to not pass it off to your kids … and trying even harder to not mention to your latest date that you suspect his/her cough isn’t just from allergies but perhaps a sign of pneumonia.
“Have you seen a doctor yet?”- You.
The blessings of DNA. Wink.