I ran into the store with my loaded gun, pointing at children’s heads so that I could steal their tennis shoes, after double parking in two parallel handicap spots, even though I’m not handicapped whatsoever. I then started thinking that if there is a pleasant place where souls go after they die, it really doesn’t matter because I don’t think there is one. We’re all organic beings and we’re just going to die and then rot and that will be it. Any good or bad we will have ever done in this world will never have mattered because even if our deeds have repercussions, they will eventually also fade into nothing because everybody will eventually die.

Then I started thinking, “Hey, I get to drink beer in an hour.” I think that life all boils down to the continuous struggle between the fact that all humans instinctively know that there is no afterlife and the fact that there are so many places that will serve you beer. Be honest, whenever you have an inner monologue with yourself about whether or not something happens to you after you die, you always slightly side with the fact that there’s probably nothing. When you kill an ant, does the fact that that ant has an eternal soul ever cross your mind? No. It doesn’t. What makes you better than an ant? If ants don’t go to heaven, then neither do we. An ant has never killed a person. An ant has never laundered money. An ant has never gone out on a date with a perfectly friendly ant guy and then left after an hour, after an obvious lie that her ant mom was really crazy and obsessive and that she just had to go back to the pile now.

However, the best argument I can think of for the fact that there is a heaven is that God doesn’t want living people to know that there is a heaven, because if they do, then everybody will be nice and great all of the time, and then heaven won’t be that good comparatively. God needs our lives to be difficult and sad. Otherwise there’s no payoff. I realize there’s like ten holes in this paragraph already. New paragraph.

I don’t really know what the Jewish stance is on the afterlife because I don’t think any Jewish person knows. Every time anyone asks a Jewish person about our stance on the afterlife, we always say something like, “Well, we don’t believe in hell.” “Well, do you believe in heaven?” “I don’t think so.” “Then, what do you believe in?” “I really have no idea. I really need to go to the store to get some tennis shoes, though.”

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