Life is boring. Single life is no different.

The fact that I have eaten nothing but Subway sandwiches for the past thirty days doesn’t help the monotony. Yes, I do interchange meats weekly in order to make sure I don’t jump off of a building.  There is nothing like the taste of chicken after having eaten nothing but turkey. Actually, there are a lot of things like that. In fact, almost any activity on earth is more exciting than that. You know how you feel cold when getting out of the shower? That is more suicide-preventative than changing meats on a sandwich. As a child, my brother was convinced that, in order to get rid of that cold feeling after a shower or bath, you should take a cold shower. It turns out that is not true at all, but provided me with miserable showers for almost an entire year.

The changing of my meats is probably the most exciting part of my day. Usually, if I have a date later that night, it usually turns out pretty dull. However, all day before the date I am uncomfortably nervous. This nervous energy is always more exciting than the date itself. I wonder if it’s possible to get anxious for an imaginary date. That would be just the thing formy obsessive-compulsively-crippled personality. There has to be some way to organize a date and then guarantee that it won’t happen. I will have to employ all of my childhood and early adulthood women-repelling skills. It all starts with weekly showers and a strong refusal to shave.