Online dating is great, but it can also lead to complete exhaustion for many of us. Between the daily pressures of career responsibilities to family obligations to the seemingly endless amount of chores and errands that most of us must complete, sometimes we’d rather be in bed than attempt yet another date. Most of us have been in this position many times and by the time our date arrives, we often wish we never scheduled it in the first place! For this reason, we must do everything in our power to keep ourselves motivated and to get excited to go on a first date. If we are not completely motivated, odds are we will not be at our best, and our night will wind up a wasted effort.
The best way to keep your motivation and excitement for a first date is by taking initiative with whom we go out with. Too many online daters are guilty of being way too passive, letting the emails roll in, and only responding to those that contact us first. This may be easier since we save tons of time performing searches and emailing, but it is the easiest way to fall into the trap of becoming a “serial dater.”
Serial daters populate much of the online dating world. This is the class of daters that attempts to go on as many dates as possible, playing the numbers game with the mindset that he or she will eventually stumble onto the right person.
Wrong.
This will only leave you feeling exhausted, disappointed and frustrated with all the valuable time and money that you have wasted.
It is better to attempt one date with someone you seemingly have a ton in common with, than to attempt five dates with women whom you have just one or two things in common.
This is why we must take initiative and be proactive in our searches. Take the time to really be selective when it comes to the people you date.
For those of us whom are highly successful at online dating, and have learned to master the art of having girls email us first, the temptation to go on a date with every pretty girl that contacts us first can be overwhelming. In fact, it can be downright brutal ignoring one beautiful girl after the next. Still, this needs to be done if you wish to find long-lasting success, and don’t want to waste your evenings with the wrong people!
So take the time, take initiative, and go after what you are specifically looking for! This is the key to online dating success!
The problem is that you can only get the vaguest guess about compatibility based on the online profile, it’s the cliche about judging the book by its cover, your connection with that person may seem guaranteed based on the profile but when you meet – nothing. On the other hand, there may seem to be very little potential at all, but when you meet – the bells start ringing. This happened to me when I met my first husband – he was in a “plan B” category, I wasn’t planning on meeting him unless I had absolutely nothing better to do, and I put him off for a long time. Finally the day came, I had nothing else to do, and we met. From the first second it was magic. In retrospect, he was a great guy, but there ended up being some irreconcilable differences and after a 10 year marriage we had to go our separate ways, but that does not nullify my point, which is there is really no substitute for the in-person experience, and I’ve learned to form only the loosest of judgments and expectations from the profile – you really don’t know until you DO meet.
The other point you make, that you could be exhausted and tired of the whole thing and not be at your best and thus the date who could have been the “one” will be wasted. On the contrary, I was in a TERRIBLE mood the day I reluctantly met him, as I walked to our meeting I literally thought “I feel sorry for this guy I’m going to really bring him down”. But when we met it was just magic, all preconceptions went out the window, what I thought of his profile was moot, my former mood was moot.
When you meet someone you really click with it will happen and you can’t accidentally mess that up by being exhausted from serial dating or any other reason. Chemistry and real compatibility cut through all that.
Julia,
I agree with a lot of what you are saying and what Joshua says as well. There really is no match for meeting in person you really just never know the chemistry until it is there. But I may disagree with you a slight bit about accidentally passing over the right person. I’ll give you an example. I am often too tough, being the guy I am, on first dates with women. I tend to look for reasons not to date them as opposed to reasons I should. Terrible quality I know! This for me gets worse when I am fatigued from online dating. I only judge more and truly would let the right person slip through my fingers. I too met someone online that I wound up dating for three years. The funny thing is, she practically forced the second date upon me. If it weren’t for that, I was so not in the mood to date at the time that I would have missed out on a great three years!
Great article Joshua. I’m going to take that advice myself. I think its about time I took a week off to just refresh my mind!
Really good advice, thank you.
What does it mean to “successful at online dating”?
To me, success would have to mean that you are no longer dating. If would have said “happily married” that would have established some crdilbility.
Sceptic,
While I understand where you are coming from, everyone has a different definition of success.
Some men I work with want to be happily married and that is an amazing goal. Others just want a busier dating life. And others just want to know what its like to date and have women physically attracted to them.
I’m not sure that a lack of defining success as marriage defines me as lacking in credibility. I believe that a man can be online dating for years and years and be highly successful at online dating.
Success to me is fulfilling your goals, and most importantly, not struggling to achieve those goals.
Dating for many of us older folks is a necessary means to an end (long-term relationship or marriage). I’m in my late 50’s, the last thing I wanted to do at this stage of my life was starting to date again. It **IS** exhausting…going through the same conversations over and over with new people.
When I was in my early 20’s, “serial dating” was fun. In my mid to late 20s I had enough and was seriously looking for someone to settle down with. In my early 30’s I was sick of dating. Finally at 35 I got married. 23 years later and I’m back to square 1.
The frustrating thing about looking for someone Jewish (at least through jdate) is that within a 50 mile radius of where I live there’s only about 4 Jewish women in my age range (50-59)…actually, one of them isn’t even Jewish. Jdate’s answer to me (and advice I received on their message boards) was to expand my search radius and ease up on my criteria. My only criteria is that the person be 50-59 (maybe it’s 49-60, I can’t remember exactly) and that they be a non-smoker. Expanding search radius is kind of ridiculous. It’s tough to meet in person if there’s more than an hour drive…and even that is exhausting!
So, Joshua, when someone is in their late 50’s, what’s the key to writing a profile that will attract women to make the first contact? I surely haven’t had the ‘problem’ you have had of “ignoring one beautiful girl after the next.”
Dave,
I have decided I am going to be answering your question in an upcoming article in full detail! These are great questions that I would like to take the time to really put a lot of thought into.
Until then, feel free to check out some of my profile writing tips on my new site http://getrealdates.com/online-dating-profile-tips
These articles may steer you in the right path for now, or check some of my previous JDate articles for assistance.