A few years ago, I took Jared Fogle’s lead, whom according to jewornotjew.com, has a ninety percent chance of actually being Jewish, and decided to try to lose weight by eating nothing but Subway sandwiches and exercise (minus the exercise). It went okay, but after losing about twenty pounds, I somehow started gaining weight after I stopped eating Subway® subs and started eating steak. The steak diet’s patent is still pending, as there is no way that it can lead to any form of weight loss.

I eventually gained all of my weight back. Last night, I decided to re-try the Subway weight loss challenge. I am happy to report that I have not deviated from the diet yet have yet to lose any weight. This may partially be because the sandwich I ate today had bacon, avocado, roast beef, and ranch dressing. Perhaps the ingredients of the sandwich are more important than the fact that it is a sandwich. I suppose Jared Fogle didn’t lose weight by eating the Chicken Bacon Ranch sandwich.

Okay! So my diet starts tomorrow. I am still trying to figure out how to build a healthy sandwich out of beef, bacon, and guacamole. When this happens, revolution will materialize as people recognize the futility of lettuce. If I went the rest of my life without lettuce of any kind, I think my life would be full and happy. My first report on the progression of my new Subway®  diet will be posted on Thursday. If you would like to join me, and are a girl, I would definitely be open to that.

I have arbitrarily decided that July 15 will be the first day that I will eat food that is not a Subway® turkey sandwich. I have already created an event on Facebook inviting women to a date with a skinny me on that evening. People have started to RSVP, but I’m pretty sure they did it as a joke. I don’t think anybody realizes how not much of a joke it is. I would really like to go out on a date as a thin person. I would like to cordially extend this exclusively Facebook invitation to JDate. If you will be in Houston on July 15, I am completely open to dating you. Also, I am open to dating you on any other date ever.