The only reason I am writing this post is so that my coworkers at work won’t want to kill themselves at about 2:30 today. However, this is not just philanthropic. I also want to hear laughs all around me while you guys are reading this. Laugh! If you happen to be someone far from my desk, Morgan, laugh much harder. If anyone asks why you’re laughing, tell them that your pregnancy has made you lose touch with reality and run out of the office yelling some nonsense about how you must immediately go to the beach so that you can lay your egg with all of the other sea turtles.

Okay, I’m not going to mention anybody else here. I don’t want to play favorites. I also don’t want to get into any kind of trouble. You’re all my favorite. Kind of like how during school, whoever happened to be sitting next to you at lunch on Friday was your favorite because you were in the midst of eating a fried chicken sandwich.

I’m not going to talk about work anymore. I’ve said too much. Let’s stay on topic.

I’m at a weird place where I don’t exactly have to lie to women anymore, but I also shouldn’t really tell them the truth. Yeah, I make enough money to feed myself and go out on weekends, so I don’t really have to lie about my income, but that’s partly because I’m not married, and my only investments consist of products you can regularly buy at Subway, Chili’s, and websites that sell socks. I’ve lost a lot of weight, so I don’t have to post misleading photos on my profile, but I haven’t really groomed my body at all below my neck since the weight has come off. I wear my mouthpiece at night now at night to prevent my teeth from grinding, so my mouth no longer looks like I habitually abuse crystal meth. But since I didn’t use that mouthpiece for so long my teeth will eventually be ground down enough to the point where I will look somewhat homeless, which will actually be appropriate, because I will be completely homeless. Homeless people almost never wear their nighttime orthopedic mouth guards. They are so irresponsible.

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