Q: I met a guy on JDate and we dated for more than a year. Several months ago, he ended the relationship because he did not believe I was ultimately the one he was going to marry. Since our break up he has asked me to get together several times and the results are always the same. Even though I still love him, I am starting to feel like he is using me for physical reasons and I am mad that I keep giving in to him. The fact that he is still calling and trying to connect is preventing me from moving on, and online dating is making me feel more defeated and alone. Do you have advice for a woman in my shoes?
– Stuck in Limbo
A: Hi S.L.,
First off, this is not your fault. You must stop blaming yourself for retrospectively feeling that you took things too fast, pressured this man or even engaged with him too willingly. It’s pretty clear that he initiates these reunions but for whatever reasons, it seems he made up his mind about your relationship when you formally broke up. He certainly could be more chivalrous in taking into account your perspective but his shortcomings in this respect should not cause you to beat yourself up.
Unfortunately, hanging out as a couple is giving you a sense of hope that he will come back and that is not realistic, though it’s understandable given your long history together. A year is a long time to spend with anyone and chances are your ex is having just as hard of a time with the split as you are. Forgive me for being harsh, but the reality is he may be lonely or feeling insecure and rejected by other women in his life, which is why having someone like you, who he knows cares about him, is a comfort and confidence booster.
When it comes to love, many of us are guilty of believing that a person will come around. That’s because we hear and listen to what they say but do not believe their words. By letting you know you are not “The One,” this man has expressed his intentions loud and clear, so there is no point wasting any more of your time. If you want to move on, here’s what you need to think about carefully: Are you really prepared to spend the rest of your life with someone who is not head over heels in love with you? Trust me, you deserve to be adored and it’s a hell of a lot easier (and fun) to be with someone who loves every last bit of you than a man who has hesitations. Your match is out there, but you are limiting yourself from giving someone new a real chance if you’re still hung up on an old love. If you’re okay with casual canoodling with an old flame that is one thing, but you must do so with your eyes open while not letting that familiarity interfere with your prospects of someone new.
As for online dating, remember that good dates and promising new prospects come in waves – you just need learn how to stay calm and optimistic when the tide is low. And always compliment your online search with other, more traditional, social vehicles. I hope these words provide the clarity and comfort you were seeking, and wish you the best of luck with your search.
Sincerely,
Sherri
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Excellent response, but should have added the old line about why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. (not calling her a cow, but calling him a cad).
You don’t have to answer the phone if he calls. If you really want closure with this man, either don’t answer or hang up. He’ll get the message eventually.
Sherri is right, waiting around for someone to come around and start loving you is a waste of time. Give yourself distance from him for awhile and pretty soon, you’ll be more than ready to keep meeting strangers on the Internet, which is quite fun, when one is not feeling heartbroken.
I agree with everything you said Sherri and would only like to add one thing. Ladies our brains are indeed wired differently than a man’s and it is VERY difficult for us to engage in casual sex and not get attached. As human beings we are biologically wired to attach to others. This is true for men and women, however women become attached easier than men and this makes it difficult when we are trying to end the relationship. We have to fight the biology of our brains and know in time (I promise) you will feel less of a tug towards the one you feel so attached to…
Stay strong, distracted, and do not give up or give in…Sherri is right we deserve to be ADORED and nothing less.
Dr. Fallynn C. Cox
While I agree in principle with Sherrie’s advice, I’d be a bit stronger here …
a] Given our present society standards of anything goes, what is preventing us as Jews from being a bit more conservative in our tradition? Suppose you say no to your ex
b] who is the one who looks at the situation and has to make changes to what social peer pressure is telling you to do?
c] Do you think your chances of finding another man or lady is improved by your still tied to the ex for his needs
d] if you meet your ex unless there is child care issues then it should be for a different reason – sex should not enter the picture
e] if there are children involved, what kind of example are you setting for them.
f] Why not join a Chabura [group] at your local synagogue or temple – for social or study groups… in many cities you can start over by going out to a lecture on some aspect of Judaism and who knows… you might meet a person there
Life is so short. If you hang on and wait for him you will have missed out on taking your life forward. I have just hung on for 3 years . I did not engage in sex though but even so , because I had feelings for him I didn’t date anyone else, Three years out of my life? Now when he texts me I just respond with a X. He doesn’t phone thank goodness. It must be hard as you are obviouly in love with him. Try and pin point all of his bad points. Type them up in large print and stick it on your fridge. Grieve him and then try and visualise him as a Begian chocolate filled with poison. Visualise him on a boat sailing out to sea and wave him off.Focus on all of your old friends and family and promise yourself you will never see him again. Don’t allow yourself to be used. You will be his doormat . Is that what you think you are worthy of? Try and be strong. He is a rat .
I understand exactly where this woman is coming from. The same thing happened to me with a jdater. We were together a year and a half and the breakup was a horrible one. He left me in a serious time of need and had much trouble dealing with some real situations going on between us.
The pain was so great it was so difficult to let him go and we lived in different cities. I finally after another year of torment stopped all communication with him. Although, it was difficult, in the end it was the healthiest thing I could have done.
okay, I don’t know Sherri’s credentials. I hope she has some.
Here is the thing, if you are not good enough to marry, that is a direct insult to you.
You should tell him to take a flying leap, and get on his way. You should move on, because he is only using you, and not caring about you.
When he contacts you, unless you have some other issue about sex, then use some self-respect and say no.
He needs to recognize his behaviors are not acceptable, but you are not giving this message at all. This is saying something about your self-esteem and personal self-worth, how you feel about yourself.
Other questions, answered from a professional, SheilaMCooperman@aol.com
It’s real simple.
Block his email
Change your phone number
If you’re forced to see him on a face to face basis, turn him around and plant your dainty foot in his butt and let fly with the best kick you can muster.
I’m reminded of a female friend some years ago that was trying to get rid of a guy; however, everytime they were in prox, he would kiss her and then put his hand down the front of her pants, you can guess the outcome from there?
She finally listened to my advice above and did as I said…it was the only way for her to break the chain.
So as many have pointed out, this is a losing proposition for you. You’re “feeling” like he’s using you for sex because he is. It’s convenient, and since you have a history, he knows how to push your buttons. Since you still have feelings for this person your best bet is to not see him for at least a couple of months. As time goes by you can decide if you want to be friends. This is your choice alone. You don’t owe him anything since he ended the relationship.
You can’t wean off a bad habit – you have to go cold turkey. 6-8 weeks of NO contact will do a lot to reduce the ‘addiction’.
He is playing you – psychologists call this intermittent reinforcement, and it strengthens behavior, not weakens it. If you can convince yourself that he’s really not available to you, you can free yourself to move on. He’s hedging his bets too – if no one comes along, he can always sleep with you in the interim. Don’t settle for being his consolation prize.
Dear S.L.
I feel that women just as much as men need sex, and instead of blaming yourself for giving in, if you do continue to engage in sexual activity with yoyr ex, do it for your physical needs, and learn to dis attach your feelings from the man himself. If he knows what makes you tick, great, enjoy and go about your daily activities including looking for that right match, but contiously know that he is not your future, he is just there for YOUR pleasure in the time being. And when the time comes you FEEL the right one has come your way, say bye bye Charlie, and do it with pride.
I will cheer for you, like woman to woman.
Wishing you a new and fresh start to come your way soon.