Though I have lost a considerable amount of weight over the last several months and am of average weight for my equally average height, my body still thinks that I am a fat man.

By that, I mean it is still curvy in all the wrong places. I inexplicably still have man-boobs. When I was at my heaviest, I also noticed that my stomach made a weird-shaped bulge right over my waist. My waist was regular sized, and my stomach was regular sized (for a ten-foot-tall man). It wasn’t just a fat man’s bulge. It is difficult to explain without photos, but I am not going to post a photo because you are so nice and innocent and there’s no reason for me to scar strangers for life. Also, I never took a picture of myself as a fat man. That was one decision I will take to my grave as the smartest thing I have or will have ever done.

Anyway, my body doesn’t know I’ve lost any weight at all. I can’t jog for more than three feet. I still get winded and sweaty whenever I eat more than a rice cake. Okay I’ve never eaten a rice cake. They have no smell, and I am suspicious of anything lacking in aroma. This is also why I never trusted scented candles.

Most importantly, though, that awkward bulge on my stomach is still there. I can’t really explain why, nor have I seen it on another person. I’m sure that if I actually went to the gym, I could work it off somehow, but I refuse to go. I’ve lost 74 pounds without having to exercise and am I damn sure not about to start now. Having said that, my weird stomach bulge remains. Thank goodness for T-shirts. My normal-sized hand would not be big enough to cover my stomach-sized stomach.

However, through the help of shirts, I have been able to sustain more dates than I was able to half a year ago. I now know more than ever that if a girl doesn’t like me, it’s now slightly more likely that she doesn’t like my personality. That is strangely comforting.