It’s January again…If you’re like many JDate members, finding love may be at the top of your resolution list for 2010. How to make commitments stick is an age-old dilemma that you’ve probably come across in your life, particularly if you’ve ever vowed to lose weight, run a marathon or butt out of smoking.

Love is a little bit more complicated – there is no magic formula, steps to follow or 1-800 help line that will guarantee you succeed with your resolution. Instead of just focusing on what you ought to do to find love in the New Year, think about the following list of habits to break if you want to enhance your chances of meeting that special someone.

Mistake #1: The Self-Imposed Deadline

Identifying goals, defining objectives and assigning quantifiable, measurable deliverables to them may work for dieters, but not for daters. Love is not a science, so there is no rational reason as to why and when people connect. It could be a matter of timing, those chemicals we call pheromones or maybe even a gift for your good behavior from a higher being. The minute we set timelines, the belief that true love can happen at any minute dissipates. To keep hope alive, it is important not to saddle yourself with unrealistic expectations or restrictions – just trust and enjoy the process.

Mistake #2: Writing the Ending to a Story Before it has Begun

Storyboarding is the process of mapping out scenarios based on facts, assumptions and emotions for the purpose of pre-visualizing the best outcome to a movie, website or book. Yet most of us employ these same techniques the minute we meet someone new. When the only information you have is on paper, plotting outcomes based on assumptions and not the facts will almost always sabotage a potential new relationship. Deducing that a romance will not work just because (a) someone lives in another town, (b) is divorced with children or (c) seems to have an odd sense of humor when you hardly know them are examples of this tendency and should be avoided.

Mistake #3: Rationalizing Wrongdoings

If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you. Is that clear? There is nothing that will keep the right person from making the effort to spend time with you, communicate regularly and share their emotions (though some take longer than others). It’s that simple. Yes, we all want to believe and we ought to have faith, but one must do so with trepidation and self-pride. Far too often I meet women and men who are hanging on to a person that is just not available. They may see or hear the warning signs but they refuse to acknowledge them. So hear me out: A person may tell you they want to be with you, but to get your trust they must show up. If a fling, new romance or relationship is increasingly one-sided, nip it in the bud. Do not make any excuses (even if they are only in your head) for someone else’s poor behavior, or buy into stories that they may be feeding you. You deserve to be adored, so vow not to settle for anything less or else that is how you will be treated.

So in this new year, remember that there are many angles from which you can approach finding love. You should take affirmative actions in your search, but also take it easy on yourself by not overstressing your timeline or passing judgment too quickly on others and making sure that the love that you find or finds you is one that is reciprocal.

Of course, if you need dating or love advice, please feel free to send your questions to me at [email protected] for a personal response. is a lifestyle destination where singles get advice, discounts and connect with other singles, and share their inspiring personal success stories. To read more articles about the single lifestyle, click here!
  1. In other words, overconfidence and blind faith work? How? Confidence is good, but you are, in fact, fallible, and sometimes, you need to adjust.

  2. You are right on target with your assessment of a relationship. If a person is interested in you, they will “Be” with you and will keep the communication lines open. Long distance relationships can work, but it takes two people willing to make it work. Just be careful with relationships that move “too” fast. Relationships take time and is a process. Eventually the “true colors” will surface and it will determine if this is a person you really want to spend the rest of your life with. Don’t settle and don’t think that there are no other “whales” in the sea. It takes time and patience. Learning how to sift through the players and the serious daters becomes a easier with experience and time. You are better off alone than in a situation that can make you miserable. That person is out there and will “surface” eventually.

  3. thanks for the advice – i am recently widowed and now 59 – i am finding it very difficult to surf and look for the real serious players – are photos so important – you may be looking at someone who sends a photo from 20years ago – how does one cope and find someone to carry on with – any cooments and advice?

  4. Wow did #3 totally hit it. I’ve had long distance, short distance and no time and all the time.. But when someone wants to be with you they will make the time. There was a girl I once dated who I would drive 10 minutes out of my way whenever I could to see her for 5 minutes. 🙂

    ^5 on this one!

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