Every once in a blue moon, I descend my throne in order to grace a guy with the gift of my presence. This usually coincides with hell freezing over and /or when swine have jumped off the pandemic train and into the air. Now you may be asking yourself, why on earth does this occurrence take place so rarely? Ladies, I will enlighten you. Simply stated, I am currently adhering to a new loser-free policy. Now it can be quite tricky to spot these underachievers. For one thing, they often blind you with grandiose hopes and dreams that make the immediate present get lost in the future. He wants to be a rockstar but right now he’s selling tickets at the makeshift box office located in the sardine-style square in front of the Roxy. Does he have potential? Abso-darn-lutely he does! Do you have all day to wait around and watch him realize it? No! You cannot DVR your lives, ladies, and there is no time to pause. Fast forward through the nonsense and get to the good part; meaning a guy who has a job and plays in a band after-school special style.

I’m not going to lie – the first few days of my new loser-free lifestyle were the hardest. I’m pretty sure my breaking point was when I got the urge to ask out every scenester I saw swaggering down the Sunset strip. This, my dears, is why they invented cell phones and the buddy system! You remember it, the guideline that states thou shalt be glued to the girl next to you when venturing out into the wonderful wide world. Well, dial her number and take her hand because the very first step is admitting you have a problem, and someone needs to text you directions so you can Rand-McNally your way out the dating hole you’ve dug for yourself. And before you get too comfortable with your six-foot-under resting place, you’re back to dating in the land of the living, sans the sorry souls you keep falling in there for. He may have been your favorite mistake, but just remember – even if it makes you happy – it can be that bad. So, friends do not let friends fall for losers, and remember to spot the signs of the ones that are not worthy of your time. Time is on your side, so long as you don’t let him waste it.