So what do you do when a not-so-gracious girl decides to exile you from her friendship circle?  Correspond of course!  This is a tale of tragedy and woe inspired by one vexatious vixen who decided to wake up on the wrong side of life one morning and blacklist me from her life. Here’s a copy of my letter and my ill-fated attempts at resolving the ridiculous issue.
To Whom It May Concern:
I’ve recently received notice that we are not friends anymore!  I must have missed that memo – although if you sent it via snail mail, well we all know that the USPS is about as reliable as finding anything at Forever 21.  Now, I’ve been patient, but I think I’m more than deserving of an explanation as to why we suddenly don’t mesh.  Reasons that seem most feasible to me are a) you’re prejudiced against people  in possession of lives (sex, social and a hybrid of both) b) you are currently suffering from abandoned child syndrome due to  solicited time spent with your bff, or c) you’re simply an irrational and chemically imbalanced  babe.  Now, I believe I’ve exhibited a tremendous amount of effort on my part, going so far as to show up at estrogen fest 2009 the weekend I had a prior engagement.  Now even though I invited a boy (heaven help us) to the mix, I do not believe that this particular incident entitled you in any way to behave like such an ill-mannered minx.  Not only did you deem it appropriate to whisper to co-mademoiselle about me, in front of me, you decided to turn that debut performance into a three-peat show.  News flash luv – your audience was less than amused.  Had it not been for the fact that I treated myself to a manicure the day prior, I would have introduced your face to my fist without any hesitation.  Understandably catfights are frowned upon, but in certain scenarios the bitch-slapping ban is lifted in the hopes that a girl can knock some sense into the other, or at least off that pedestal she decided to perch upon. Furthermore, and last but certainly not least, we have mutual friends.  This is a statement, not a question.  Being that the aforementioned is true –  I think it’s necessary for you to remove your head from your nether-regions and learn to act in a civil manner in the midst of company.  If you need help executing this endeavor, I believe Charm School (VH1 prime time trash tv) is looking for a new contestant, I would be happy to recommend you.  I sure hope we can manage to behave like polite princesses again post-haste.  These continual catfights simply aren’t good for a girl’s complexion. 
Annoyed in Angeles