It’s so easy to feel humbled when one considers mankind’s greatest accomplishments and discoveries — fire, the wheel, the airplane, the polio vaccine, and now — JDate’s Mobile App. Yes, that’s right — JDate’s Mobile App. Oh, sure, go ahead and laugh. But while you’re laughing, let me inform you that thanks to the new JDate Mobile App, you can now, from the comfort of your cell phone or tablet:
- Browse member profiles
- Chat instantly with members on the site or in the app
- Play Secret Admirer anonymously and be matched with interested members
- Access your inbox, sent mail and deleted messages
- View all profile activity at a glance
- See who’s viewed and ‘Favorited’ you
…and much more. In fact, there are so many features on the new JDate Mobile App that it’s hard to envision that there could be any ideas left out. And yet, our secret inside sources say not so. In fact, there were many additional ideas pitched for potential features — and rejected for one reason or another. And because I care so much about my readers, I’ve channeled my inner Watergate Burglar, broken in to the JDate headquarters, and stolen — I mean borrowed — a listing of 907 rejected ideas.
Thinking it might be fun to see some of them, I’ve selected ten of the most interesting ones. See if you agree that they should indeed have been rejected. Or, was JDate crazy to reject any of these and should give them a second chance? In any case, here are the:
Top 10 Rejected Ideas for the New JDate Mobile App
1. Social Disease Scanner
Advanced laser technology enables you to simply aim your cell phone at your coffee date and, quicker than you can say “herpes,” you will be informed of exactly which social diseases your potential soul mate already has.
2. Siri in Yiddish
Connects you to your cultural heritage by having all messages from Siri broadcast to you in Yiddish. Too bad it didn’t go; could have provided a lot of naches.
3. Dumper Display
Puts up a screen that shows how many times your potential date has been dumped—and how often he or she has dumped others. All the better for you to know what your chances might be.
4. Vibrator Attachments
The app turns your favorite phone into your favorite romantic tool for those lonely dateless evenings. Five vibrator attachments, including the Caressing Cantor, included for your every desire.
5. Do-It-Yourself Circumciser
Conceived of as an app for those men considering converting to Judaism to please their women, JDate’s legal department put the kibosh on this one before it even got to research and marketing.
6. Truth Screen
A super-sophisticated voice analyzer. If your potential date tells you he’s a single doctor living in a condo in Beverly Hills, the Truth Screen tells you the real story: he’s a separated dental assistant living with his parents in Pacoima. It can also inform you that his photo is ten years old and 20 pounds lighter than he is now.
If someone even looks at your JDate profile, this feature will automatically contact them every hour on the hour, with a cute message from you, until they finally break down and call you or ask you out.
8. Subliminal Attract-ometer
Implants subliminal messages on your JDate profile so that anyone viewing it is virtually hypnotized into asking you out. Just don’t ask them what attracted them to you, because they’ll genuinely be stumped.
9. Jew Finder
At a big social gathering and want to scope out those who are among the Chosen People? This advanced app can detect anyone who’s ever eaten matzoh brei or kasha varnishkes. The rest is up to you.
10. Red Flag Revealer
If your potential date has never lasted longer than two minutes in the sack and cries after having sex, wouldn’t you want to know that in advance? If her foreplay includes speaking baby-talk to her 75 stuffed animals, would that be helpful information for you to know before deciding to contact her? The Red Flag Revealer searches out the most embarrassing things said about your potential date throughout the internet, and lets you know. How great an app would that have been?
Mark Miller is a comedy writer who has performed stand-up comedy in nightclubs and on TV, written on numerous sit-com staffs, been a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate and is a current humor columnist for The Huffington Post. His first book, a collection of his humor essays on dating and romance, is scheduled to be published by Skyhorse Publishing on February 3rd of 2015. Its title: “500 Dates: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the Online Dating Wars.” But he says he’d trade all his success away in a minute for immortality, inner peace and limitless wealth.