I have decided to date in bulk. That is different than dating as bulk, which I did almost exclusively until I lost a lot of weight. At this point, my only chance at not dying alone in front of my computer typing another one of these is by going out on a lot of dates. I have started making it a point to go on at least one every week. It’s a little bit easier to attract women now that I’ve decided to increase the frequency of my weekly showers and not just say whatever the hell I want to all of the time. Also, nothing really helps break up the monotony of a dull weekly routine like constant, unrelenting rejection. Finally, it gives me an excuse to drink a little bit and not stick to my diet. I dieted for something, and I have to reap the benefits of my beautiful, chiseled body.

However, no matter how passively average I may look now, I’m the same person on the inside. I am more laid back and a lot calmer. My confidence has also increased a good amount. However, nothing can really take away my general anxiety, social awkwardness, and inexorable eagerness to please everybody I meet, without regard for self-respect or my general happiness. No matter how I may look and act now, I will still do absolutely anything to get somebody to like me. If I feel like I’ve offended you in any way, I’m just going to give you $100 and leave. However, I can’t do that on every date every week, so somebody needs to start liking me or stop accepting my dirty money.

I need to start outsourcing myself to dating representatives. You will go on a date with a man representing myself. I will brief this man for about five minutes before the date and tell him everything about me. In this time, he will learn that I am a young millionaire doctor who runs a kitten rescue shelter on the weekends and delivers food to elderly confused women on the other weekends. I never get angry, and my only awkward moments involve not being sure which time-share to invest all of my money. Actually, I think if I did this, the woman will never actually meet me. She will hopefully fall in love with my representative, marry him, and every year he will show me pictures of my wife and the awesome things that we have been doing together. This is the saddest thing I have ever written.