So you’re just not feeling any chemistry on your date that once seemed so promising. What should you do if the prospect of sitting through dinner and a movie makes your heart sink and your skin itch? Use one of these fail-proof excuses to get out of there early! Don’t worry, your date won’t guess a thing. Subtlety is the name of the game.
- The “My Mom is Sick.”
Look at your phone in horror as you scroll through pretend texts from your mom. “Oh my God, they think it’s Ebola! I have to get to the helipad right away, they are transporting her to…. um… the best hospital in America! It’s in Europe, actually.”
- The “My Roommate is Drunk.”
Again, whip out your phone and start texting while shaking your head in faux disgust. “He has such a problem. This is the second time this week that he got so wasted he needed me to come get him.” Make sure your date doesn’t know your roommate’s friends, family or employer when you use this handy excuse, however.
- The “Lyme Disease.”
Shriek around pointing at your arm, saying, “A tick! A tick! I’m going to get Lyme disease!” Refuse to let your date see, but in case he looks anyway, make sure to have drawn a black dot on your arm in advance of the date. Just don’t get it wet or your tick will magically disappear, and with it, your prospects of a hasty getaway.
- The “I Didn’t Realize This… But We’re Actually Related!”
Bring multiple books about genealogy and a hand-drawn chart dating back to Poland in the 1600’s. Keep these in an over-the-shoulder satchel and whip them out when your date mentions hanging out again.
- The “I’m Scared of Commitment (And Possibly Crazy).”
Tell her your mom made your JDate profile and you were never really into the idea of dating anyway, after that experience you had in college. When she asks which one, sigh meaningfully, and then walk out of the restaurant.
- The “I’m Definitely Crazy.”
Tell him the movie he picked reminds you of that issue you had with your ex, when he told you he loved you but then he didn’t want to get married that weekend, so you threw all of his clothes out of his window until the cops came. But you think the cops secretly agreed with you. Then cry and hail yourself a cab.
- The “I Will Make Myself So Unattractive That You End the Date First.”
Bring floss and use it at the table. When you’re done with it, offer it to her. The same piece.
- The “Super-Commitment Girl.”
Tell him it’s obvious the two of you would have adorable kids and then ask him if he mind taking the Tay Sachs blood test with you that evening to see if you could procreate successfully. He’ll make an excuse to leave. Possibly the “My Mom is Sick,” actually.
- The “I’m More Religious Than You Thought.”
Tell him you actually need to have a chaperone on the date and to go to the Mikvah first. Actually, you can’t even really date at all. And you don’t know where your jeans came from because you typically only wear long skirts.
10. The “I’m Choking.”
Choke yourself on whatever food you’re eating. Risk that there is someone in the restaurant that is more attractive than your date that knows the Heimlich/CPR, and that when you emerge from unconsciousness, there will be a gorgeous, single, Jewish nurse giving you mouth-to-mouth while your date has passed out from anxiety.