Everyone knows nice guys should, in fact, finish first, at least after you hit 25 when you should be long past your “bad boy” stage. However, if you’ve got a nice guy and don’t know how to appreciate him, lack chemistry or don’t think the two of you have a future together, give him the chopping block gently and with class. The reality is that the nice guys of your yesterdays will become amazing husbands for other women. If that doesn’t convince you enough to give a nebbish a chance, I am not sure what will. While a bad boy will inevitably live up to his name, a nebbish offers kindness and loyalty that will grow with you through the years.
Still, if this nebbish isn’t for you, here are some ways to let him down with dignity.
1. Blame Yourself
Instead of putting the blame on the nice guy nebbish, blame yourself. Yeah, it’s cliché, but tell him you clearly don’t appreciate good men – at least not yet. Tell him you’re attracted to jerks and tend to stray away from nice guys, so that he’s better off in the long run. Chances are, there’s a kernel of truth to that anyway. Either way, you will look crazy, but perhaps you won’t hurt his feelings.
2. Be Honest
Instead of making up some nonsense, you can be honest and say the chemistry isn’t there. It always hurts to hear that, but at least some can admire your honesty.
3. Don’t Slow Walk
No matter what you do, don’t do the slow walk-away! The slow walk-away is like ghosting – you stop responding to texts slowly, drop off from meeting up or making plans, or start to kill the relationship at sloth speed rather than telling the person directly that you want to discontinue dating. It’s the worst feeling as the other person knows he’s getting dumped or blown off.
4. Offer Friendship, But Make Boundaries Clear
He most likely won’t want to be your friend after a breakup. But if you tell him directly that you don’t want to pursue the relationship but would love to develop a friendship, you are at least being honest and giving someone the chance to make a new friend. He probably won’t take you up on your offer, though.
5. Give It One Last Shot
If this nebbish is a really nice guy even in his schleppy-ness, give it one more date to really decide if you’re sure that he is not the one for you. Feelings take time to develop. You might be passing on someone good all too quickly.
6. Do It Via Phone Or Face-to-Face
If you only went out once or twice, a text breakup is okay, but after that I truly feel telling someone over the phone or face-to-face is best. It’s what you would want someone to do for you if the roles were reversed.
Even if you’re searching for a nice guy, you need to make sure he’s the right one before you commit. If you’re just not feeling this nebbish, be sure to let him down gently.
You may also be interested in 5 Tips For Getting Over A Breakup Jewish-Style
I have been married, divorced, dating quite a bit, and fortunately, now in a developing relationship. Given that experience, I want to say that Laura’s advice is spot-on.
I have been ghosted, slow-walked, given unauthentic excuses, as well as having been on the receiving end of the sting of honesty. Yes, it hurts to hear the truth when a woman doesn’t feel enough chemistry or there’s some other disconnect, but I can tell you that it’s far better to hear the truth than to be offered up any of the other methods. Not only does honesty hurt for only a short time instead of going through a longer, torturous period of uncertainty, but it provides complete closure. After the short time of feeling let down, I never found that I continued to look back, wondering. I was able to move forward fairly quickly and be fully open to the next possible relationship. Don’t you think it’s better to at least give a guy that?
When you want to tactfully remove yourself from a connection with a guy, it may be because you want to avoid uncomfortable feelings and unwanted entanglements. But if one of your reasons is to try to avoid hurting him, it may be that what you’re really doing is avoiding discomfort within yourself by being direct. Understandably, that’s not easy for anyone. But while you may think your concern is for the other person, consider the possibility that in reality, your concern is actually for yourself.
We cannot avoid the reality that we bear some degree of responsibility for others’ feelings and well-being when we put ourselves out into the dating pool. It’s unavoidable. So do the right thing and give a guy a full chance to appreciate his qualities, but be honest. It’s really best for all, including yourself.