Dear Rabbi Singer,

I’ve been on JDate for a few weeks. There are several men I’m interested in meeting, but I’ve been burned on other dating sites by emailing men and never hearing back. I’m pretty, thin, successful, funny and smart.  Dating is never a problem once I meet someone. However, it seems like the online space is a man’s playground where women need to wait to be picked. Is there some way to get on a man’s radar on JDate that isn’t too forward and gets the conversation going?

-Should I Write or Wait?


Dear Write or Wait,

Let’s analyze the situation (isn’t that what rabbis do?). There are two possible reasons why the men you’re interested in haven’t contacted you:

1) They simply haven’t come across your profile.

2) They have seen your profile and decided not to contact you.

If they haven’t seen your profile, which is a valid possibility considering the massive number of profiles online and the limited attention span of most searchers, then I think you’ve got everything to gain from sending them a note, telling them that you came across their profile and are interested in learning more about them. If they ignore you or respond that they’re not interested, big deal. What have you lost, a few extra minutes at the keyboard and a tiny scratch on your ego? If you’re serious about meeting someone, you need to take some chances.

BUT, if they had already seen your profile and passed on contacting you (I’m not sure if there’s a way of seeing who views your profile, but if there is, you’ll know if they’ve seen and passed), then you need to analyze why that happened. Is there something about your profile that you can improve upon? Your photos, you essay questions? Try downloading the eBook I wrote, “The Guide to a Winning Online Profile.” It should give you some useful pointers.

Here’s the bottom line: If a guy is interested, he’ll be happy to get an email from you. In fact, short of stalking him and placing a dead rabbit in his bathtub, there’s very little that will turn off an interested guy. Don’t worry so much and just contact him.

Good luck!



Rabbi Arnie Singer dated for 15 years before meeting his Bashert. He is currently a dating and relationship coach in Manhattan and the founder of
  1. The one thing I do find frustrating…is someone just sending a flirt message. Such as, I like your photo…you deserve a flirt. It does not give me any kind of information to reply to other than saying thank you. It would be so much easier if both men and women would just send a brief note of some kind that lets you know what interested them..or something for conversation!

  2. I agree with you, I get those ALL the time and I just don’t know what are they expecting for me to do next, i just respond with a Thank you email, sometimes, that’s been the trigger to start communicating with some of them, but honestly I guess is our choice to respond to the ones that really got our attention or share our values and expectations as well.

  3. While I agree with Rabbi Singer that it never hurts to try, I think its a little insulting for Rabbi Singer to try selling singles his ebook while giving advice. It comes across as a self-advertising instead of helpful. I get emails similar to his all the time, and at the end, some relationship expert is always try to sell me whatever ingenious way he has discovered for dating and marrying.

  4. I suspect that many people on JDate are not subscribers. They may have been at some point, but for whatever reason, they’re simply hangers-on, checking out the merchandise but unable to do anything else but flirt, possibly because they didn’t renew their subscription or are just browsers with a basic (non-subscription) membership.

  5. I always send an e-card or a flirt to get someones attention so as to introduce myself.
    I figure, if they are interested they will contact me but I never thought that they might not be a member. Well, that’s to consider.
    Well, most of these men don’t respond and I am at a dead end too.

  6. I say: Women should make the first move if they are interested… It is flattering to a man and he will respond… I had 2 men tell me they were already dating someone,,, I wonder why they don’t remove
    their listings in that case,,, anyway: Make the first move and move on if you don’t get a response you like.. Don’t take it personally … I actually met 2 men.. One said he would call me and never did after we met. The other showed up and did not want to do anything … We met at a farmers market and he did not want to shop or eat… He finally admitted he did not want to meet at the market but why didn’t
    he just tell me that and pick another meeting place,,, I don’t have a problem making the first contact: I simply write: Hi: I like your photo and profile,,, if you would like to talk/email please contact me at:
    Then I give my phone and email. I sent one email requesting a recipe that he mentioned in his profile and he sent me the recipe but did not want to meet me! I did not like his decision but, so what!
    There are many others to choose from! Go for it !

  7. Here’s another observation: most of the websites have a last logged in feature. If a man hasn’t logged in for more than 60 days, chances are he’s simply no longer active. It’s not you, it’s his ‘relationship status’ with the website;).

  8. Don’t be afraid to be specific about who you are and what interests you. Maybe you’ll get less (rubbish-) mail that way, because not everybody will like it, but the ones that contact you will be more suitable and interested in y o u (remember: All it takes is o n e, that is “right”) and chances are they are glad to have found someone who is on their wavelength. Somebody that doesn’t have any interests is probably a bore, or can’t be bothered to take the time and invest into their future relationship. Two good reasons to stay away…

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