Dear Tamar,

Per your advice, I’ve been poly-dating for quite some time (although I didn’t have a name for it before, lol, so thanks for that) but I’m in a jam – I really like two of the guys I’m dating and I can’t decide which to break it off with. Not to say it’s totally up to me, but I’m pretty sure they both feel strongly towards me and I need to make a move now before it becomes more difficult. Have you ever been in this predicament?

Dear Poly-Dater,

Lucky for you (and unfortunately for me), I was in your situation before. I had met two guys when I was in the midst of a poly-dating phase of my life and was stuck. Surely these guys knew I was holding back as I was still only seeing them each twice a week, and although I was naturally flirtatious, I hadn’t let the physical chemistry get the best of me.

Both were great guys, but there was something about one of them which I couldn’t put my finger on and couldn’t ignore. I ultimately “chose” him and broke things off with the other guy. Things became really serious once I let my guard down and truly became available. Of course, after a few months the relationship ended, but for that time I had made the right choice.

It’s a gut feeling. Neither ended up being right for me, but of the two at that time one was more right than the other. You have to trust your instinct. The best way to do so, if you’re confused, is to try and imagine yourself with each of the men down the road – can you picture having a conversation with each guy in a month, a year, ten years? Can you imagine yourself living with each guy, marrying each guy, parenting with each guy? That may sound extreme, but if you can’t envision yourself making a home with a man, then why bother?

That said, keep this process and your poly-dating past to yourself. The guys don’t want to hear that there are other men in your life even if they’re dating other women. And they for sure don’t want to know that you can’t choose between them and another man.