What happens when you schedule a date with a girl via JDate and you see her in a social setting before the scheduled date? You only know what she looks like from her profile pictures. You had big plans to devote a lot of time and energy to prepare yourself before you allow her to see you. You were going to set aside five hours to doing nothing but showering and layering on deodorant, Axe® body spray, and more deodorant.

Now, you’re thrust into a situation you did not see coming. All you have to do is make sure she doesn’t see you and get out as quickly as you can. Of course, she looks in your direction at the exact moment you are awkwardly staring at her to make sure she isn’t about to turn around. Damn.

First, you smile back casually and hope she doesn’t recognize you. Second, you can tell she recognizes you because she smiles and waves and strangers don’t do that in real life unless you’re in Utah. You now have to acknowledge her and somehow convince her that you look this crappy all the time. You don’t want to get close, to her, though, because you just ran a mile in order to ironically look better before you met her. What do you do?

I’ll tell you what I did last week. I pretended that I had a sudden, intense pain in my stomach, walked quickly to the bathroom, and stayed there for at least half an hour.